Talking about Abusive Relationship

Moving Deeper – Let’s talk about what Know what no one will discuss.
Let’s take this even further into the reality of marriage and relationships. I don’t’ think that many of us understand the importance of how we treat our partners. We have to understand that our partners are more than just people, they are gold. They are more precious than jewels. They are more precious than anything that is around upon the earth. They are our life’s blood.
You see friends we should treat our partners with honor and love as we treat ourselves. Our partners should be seen as equals and not subservient. Especially in regards to our relationship to them. ( in this book we deal with all partners, straight, gay, lesbian and bisexual). Many people say the love their partners, but constantly mistreat them. Many of them have been raped, beaten, verbally abused, stalked, and other forms of physical toture. This was not meant to be.
I don’t care who you are, your partner is precious. We are to honor our partners with respect in the same way we would we treat our bodies. It is a shame in the way the people treat their spouses and significant others and think it’s ok to do this. Get this straight – it is never ok. NEVER. No one is punching bag, no one is a pen cushion and no one is to be abused. If there is abuse there are often mental issues to that go along with them.
Listen up and understand this, when you mistreat your partner you are subconscious mistreating yourself. You are damaging yourself with bad karma and beyond. You are creating a bad environment for your family – a gift from the spirit and the Creator. What the hell is wrong with you?
We hear of these cases all of the time, women being abused by their boyfriends and husbands; gay and lesbian partners often being abused by their partners in the same house creating fear and creating insecurity; These things too manifest themselves as bruises upon the face, unexplained falls, broken arms, being imprisoned in your own home and why? It is because someone lacks manhood, women and respect for themselves.
This may be hard to take, but how many people would abuse their own bodies and starve themselves to death? How many people would take a baseball and beat themselves or throw themselves into a wall? How many people would want to live in fear and stalk themselves? These are questions to think about it and answer.
I would say that this is just one culture, but this is across the board. Men abusing women from county to county, knowing that women are the backbone of every society and one of the most important in the rearing of children -[incidently, did you know the women have a higher threshold of pain – 40% more than men?] – and maintaining life in communities. No woman should be hit or live in fear for her life because a man cannot control his hormones or his religion says that she is lesser. That does not matter.
Women are to be honored and respected and not hurt or dejected. They are not sex objects, but pivotal to every society known to man. Truth of the matter is that typically when a man abuses a women in a situation and tries to control, it is evident that they have been cheating, plan to cheat or something to hide. Often times women have been known to stand and take it because the men try to use psychological mumbo jumbo against them.
Here are some facts from various sources on this subject:
Fact : Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds. (UN Study On The Status of Women, Year 2000) – taken from the the feminist.org
Fact: 64% of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date. (Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women, Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, November, 2000)


According the World Health Organization: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
Violence against women

KEY FACTS:
• Violence against women is a major public health problem and a violation of human rights.
• Lack of access to education and opportunity, and low social status in communities are linked to violence against women.
• Violence by an intimate partner is one of the most common forms of violence against women.
• A wide range of physical, mental, sexual and reproductive, and maternal health problems can result from violence against women.
• Many women do not seek help or report violence when it occurs.

The United Nations defines violence against women as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.
There are many forms of violence against women, including sexual, physical, or emotional abuse by an intimate partner; physical or sexual abuse by family members or others; sexual harassment and abuse by authority figures (such as teachers, police officers or employers); trafficking for forced labour or sex; and such traditional practices as forced or child marriages, dowry-related violence; and honour killings, when women are murdered in the name of family honour. Systematic sexual abuse in conflict situations is another form of violence against women.
Scope of the problem
• In a 10-country study on women's health and domestic violence conducted by WHO,
o Between 15% and 71% of women reported physical or sexual violence by a husband or partner.
o Many women said that their first sexual experience was not consensual. (24% in rural Peru, 28% in Tanzania, 30% in rural Bangladesh, and 40% in South Africa).
o Between 4% and 12% of women reported being physically abused during pregnancy. More about the study
• Every year, about 5,000 women are murdered by family members in the name of honour each year worldwide.
• Trafficking of women and girls for forced labour and sex is widespread and often affects the most vulnerable.
• Forced marriages and child marriages violate the human rights of women and girls, yet they are widely practiced in many countries in Asia, the Middle East and sub-Saharan Africa.
• Worldwide, up to one in five women and one in 10 men report experiencing sexual abuse as children. Children subjected to sexual abuse are much more likely to encounter other forms of abuse later in life.
Health effects
Health consequences can result directly from violent acts or from the long-term effects of violence.
• Injuries: Physical and sexual abuse by a partner is closely associated with injuries. Violence by an intimate partner is the leading cause of non-fatal injuries to women in the USA.
• Death: Deaths from violence against women include honour killings (by families for cultural reasons); suicide; female infanticide (murder of infant girls); and maternal death from unsafe abortion.
• Sexual and reproductive health: Violence against women is associated with sexually transmitted infections such as HIV/AIDS, unintended pregnancies, gynaecological problems, induced abortions, and adverse pregnancy outcomes, including miscarriage, low birth weight and fetal death.
• Risky behaviours: Sexual abuse as a child is associated with higher rates of sexual risk-taking (such as first sex at an early age, multiple partners and unprotected sex), substance use, and additional victimization. Each of these behaviours increases risks of health problems.
• Mental health: Violence and abuse increase risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, sleep difficulties, eating disorders and emotional distress.
• Physical health: Abuse can result in many health problems, including headaches, back pain, abdominal pain, fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal disorders, limited mobility, and poor overall health.
Social and economic costs
The social and economic costs of violence against women are enormous and have ripple effects throughout society. Women may suffer isolation, inability to work, loss of wages, lack of participation in regular activities, and limited ability to care for themselves and their children.
Who is at risk?
Though risk factors vary, some characteristics seem to increase the likelihood of violence. The potential risk factors can be grouped into the following subsets.
• Individual: Personal attributes associated with higher risk of violence include: limited education, a young age, lower socio-economic status, limited education, a history of abuse and substance use, and, for partner violence, the choice of partner. Partner traits that put women at risk include alcohol or drug use, low educational level, negative attitudes about women, and witnessing domestic violence against women or being abused as a child.
• Family and relationship: Within families, risk of violence increases with marital conflicts, male dominance, economic stress and poor family functioning.
• Community: Within communities, the risk is higher where there is gender inequality, and a lack of community cohesion or resources.
• Societal: On a broader level, higher risk is found in societies with traditional gender norms or a lack of autonomy for women, and where there are restrictive laws on divorce and ownership and inheritance of property, or when there is social breakdown due to conflicts or disasters.

This is true just not for male/female but it also runs rampant in the gay and lesbian communities of the world also. It is also just as prevalent in the gay and lesbian community. Did you know:
Fact: Domestic violence occurs in approximately 25-33% of same-sex relationships. 3(NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, October 1996.)2 - http://www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html#links
According the Website: aardvark.org - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection – Here are indicators of abuse:
Using Emotional Abuse
• Putting you down
• Making you feel bad about yourself
• Calling you names
• Implying that you are crazy
• Playing mind games
• Using guilt as a weapon of control
• Using humiliation
Using Privilege
• Treating you like a servant
• Making all decisions for the family or couple
• Acting like an owner or master
• Being the one to define and enforce roles
• Expecting you to obey like a child
Using Coercion and Threats
• Making or carrying out threats
• Threatening to leave
• Threating to harm themself if you leave
• Threatening to hurt other family members or pets if you leave
• Threatening to report you to police, child welfare, etc. to control you
• Threatening to file false charges against you
• Using threats to get you to drop charges
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using Intimidation
• Making you afraid - looks, gestures, actions
• Smashing things
• Abusing pets
• Displaying weapons
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using the Children
• Using the children to relay messages
• Using visitation to harass you
• Threatening to take the children
• Threatening to harm the children
Using Isolation
• Controlling what you do
• Controlling who you see or talk to
• Limiting your outside involvement
• Not letting you work
• Not letting you receive an education
• Using jealousy to justify actions against you
• Destroying your support system
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Making light of the abuse
• Saying abusive behavior was not abusive
• Shifting the responsibility for the behavior to you

There is no excuse for these things. NONE whatsoever. No matter who doesn’t and I don’t care who does it, let me tell you it’s wrong. There are cases of pastors, religious clergy, kings, businessmen, politicians and even people in law enforcement doing this and no matter who they are it is unexcuseable. What you find is a person of extreme low self esteem. You see this is born out of fear and the need to control which is a lack of security within them. There have been known cases where people have been murdered at the hands of an abusing partner. Our lives are our properties and no matter who they are no one has the right to take them.

Getting out, getting help and starting new:
Many of these “abusers” use false psychology on their partners in fear of their partners leaving. As we say from the list above, batters try all sorts of things to try to keep themselves in control when they have no control whatsoever. The question is why does one stay in this situation. Many of these perpetrators try to destroy support systems, relationships and more. We must recognize their ploys and create a way out for ourselves and others. No matter what, there is always a way out. None of us have to stay in that situation ever.
How do you know if you are being abused or wanting to know if someone is being abused: Here are some signs: www.ardvark.org –
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
Is Someone You Know Being Abused?
Look for the signs:
Injuries and Excuses:
In some cases, bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. When this happens, the intent of the batterer is to keep the victim isolated and trapped at home. When black eyes and other bruising is a result of domestic violence, the person being battered may be forced to call in sick to work, or face the embarrassment and excuses of how the injuries occurred. When there are frequent injuries seen by others, the victim may talk about being clumsy, or have elaborate stories of how the injuries occurred. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries may be inflicted in places where the injuries won't show. This too is a tactic used by an abuser to keep a victim from reaching out or from having the violence exposed.
Absences from Work or School:
When severe beatings or other trauma related to violence occurs, the victim may take time off from their normal schedule. If you see this happening, or the person is frequently late, this could be a sign of something (such as relationship violence) occurring.
Low Self-Esteem:
Some victims have low self-esteem, while others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in other areas of their life (at work, as a parent, with hobbies, etc.) but not within their relationship. In terms of dealing with the relationship, a sense of powerlessness may exist. A victim may believe that they could not make it on their own or that they are somehow better off with the abuser as part of their life.

Personality Changes:
People may notice that a very outgoing person, for instance, becoming quiet and shy around their partner over time. This happens because the one being battered "walks on egg shells" when in the presence of the one who is abusive. Accusations (of flirting, talking too loudly, or telling the wrong story to someone) have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the batterer than to experience additional accusations in the future.
Fear of Conflict:
As a result of being battered, some victims may generalize the experience of powerlessness with other relationships. Conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives, and neighbors can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing. Victims may also exhibit overly-friendly behavior, particularly to those that they perceive as being in a position of power ... like the abuser's inlaws, a boss or a supervisor at work, or even to advocates if a victim is seeking help from a domestic violence program. This can manifest as everything from sending cards to only very casual acquaintences to making dinner or providing over-indulgent attention.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
For adults or children who have experienced violence from a loved one, the ability to identify feelings and wants, and to express them, may not exist. This could result in passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than telling others what they want, they say one thing but then express anger or frustration in an aggressive manner (such as burning dinner, or not completing a report on time for their boss).
Self-blame:
You may notice someone taking all of the blame for things that go wrong. A co-worker may share a story about something that happened at home and then take all of the blame for whatever occurred. If you notice this happening a lot, it may be a sign that this person is being experiencing emotional abuse. Keep in mind that in an emotionally abusive relationship, abusers often excel at constantly "reminding" the victim that THEY are to blame for whatever has been happening. Once internalized, this can poison one's ability to see through an abuser's lies.
Isolation and Control:
In general, adults who are abused physically are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their lives to a great extent as well as verbally degrade them. This isolation is intended to make the abuser the center of the victim's universe, as well as to purposefully limit the victim's access to others who might attempt to help the victim escape. You might notice that someone: has limited access to the telephone, frequently makes excuses as to why they can't see you or they insist that their partner has to come along, doesn't seem to be able to make decisions about spending money, isn't allowed to drive, go to school or get a job; or has a noteable change in self-esteem which might include inability to make eye contact or looking away or at the ground when talking.
Stress-Related Problems:
These often manifest as poor sleep, sleeping at strange times (also a sign of depression), experiencing non-specific aches or pains that are either constant and/or recurring, stomach problems, chronic headaches, and flare up of problems made worse by stress such as excema.

The truth is there is help. There is always a way out. Friends, co workers and law enforcement and other agencies to get help from. What can we do practically? Here are things you can do:
1. Tell Someone. Let them know how you feel and let them know what you are going through. You are not alone and there is someone you can turn to. Whether it is a church, law agency or whatever, you can get help from someone. Build your support system and keep it. Don’t’ allow someone to think they are the center of your universe, because they are not. You are.
2. Have a private bank account. If you share your bank account, start you own and put your own money in there. Make sure you save enough for yourself and have for emergencies. This is important as you will need money when you leave your abuser. They will try to get to you. Have your own money, make sure you have your have your own money and not depending on them to give you any. Contrary to popular belief they do not have control of your money. Not ever.
3. Find a safe place. Whether you have to rent a place or have to find a safe place, get there so you have a place to escape. Be careful who you tell where you are going and why. Not everyone understands.
3. K now the bullshit. He doesn’t love you, know this. And stick to your plan.
4. Protect yourself. After you have left, go and get a court order to keep him/her away from you. Make sure you document everything that they do from the phone calls, to the visits and more.
5. Find a support group. You are not alone. After you have made your plan, protection kit and have left, find people that have been in your same situation and move forward. Don’t let anyone stop you.
6. Live your life. Take care of yourself, dont' allow them to do it. You don’t have to live the shadow of abuse. No matter what anyone says, you have to take care of you. The universe wants you to be happy, healthy and whole