Friday, November 26, 2010
New Series...Memoir...The Men in My life.
I am starting a new book, and memoir about those who have been in my life and the Lives and loves......I have been a part of and how much they have impacted my life. It is a show case of all of those loves that I have shared my heart with or other things - get you mind out of the gutter - like relationships - who have been constantly on my mind, supported me and loved me. Stay tuned to learn about Brandon.....
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Talking about Abusive Relationship
Moving Deeper – Let’s talk about what Know what no one will discuss.
Let’s take this even further into the reality of marriage and relationships. I don’t’ think that many of us understand the importance of how we treat our partners. We have to understand that our partners are more than just people, they are gold. They are more precious than jewels. They are more precious than anything that is around upon the earth. They are our life’s blood.
You see friends we should treat our partners with honor and love as we treat ourselves. Our partners should be seen as equals and not subservient. Especially in regards to our relationship to them. ( in this book we deal with all partners, straight, gay, lesbian and bisexual). Many people say the love their partners, but constantly mistreat them. Many of them have been raped, beaten, verbally abused, stalked, and other forms of physical toture. This was not meant to be.
I don’t care who you are, your partner is precious. We are to honor our partners with respect in the same way we would we treat our bodies. It is a shame in the way the people treat their spouses and significant others and think it’s ok to do this. Get this straight – it is never ok. NEVER. No one is punching bag, no one is a pen cushion and no one is to be abused. If there is abuse there are often mental issues to that go along with them.
Listen up and understand this, when you mistreat your partner you are subconscious mistreating yourself. You are damaging yourself with bad karma and beyond. You are creating a bad environment for your family – a gift from the spirit and the Creator. What the hell is wrong with you?
We hear of these cases all of the time, women being abused by their boyfriends and husbands; gay and lesbian partners often being abused by their partners in the same house creating fear and creating insecurity; These things too manifest themselves as bruises upon the face, unexplained falls, broken arms, being imprisoned in your own home and why? It is because someone lacks manhood, women and respect for themselves.
This may be hard to take, but how many people would abuse their own bodies and starve themselves to death? How many people would take a baseball and beat themselves or throw themselves into a wall? How many people would want to live in fear and stalk themselves? These are questions to think about it and answer.
I would say that this is just one culture, but this is across the board. Men abusing women from county to county, knowing that women are the backbone of every society and one of the most important in the rearing of children -[incidently, did you know the women have a higher threshold of pain – 40% more than men?] – and maintaining life in communities. No woman should be hit or live in fear for her life because a man cannot control his hormones or his religion says that she is lesser. That does not matter.
Women are to be honored and respected and not hurt or dejected. They are not sex objects, but pivotal to every society known to man. Truth of the matter is that typically when a man abuses a women in a situation and tries to control, it is evident that they have been cheating, plan to cheat or something to hide. Often times women have been known to stand and take it because the men try to use psychological mumbo jumbo against them.
Here are some facts from various sources on this subject:
Fact : Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds. (UN Study On The Status of Women, Year 2000) – taken from the the feminist.org
Fact: 64% of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date. (Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women, Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, November, 2000)
According the World Health Organization: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
Violence against women
KEY FACTS:
• Violence against women is a major public health problem and a violation of human rights.
• Lack of access to education and opportunity, and low social status in communities are linked to violence against women.
• Violence by an intimate partner is one of the most common forms of violence against women.
• A wide range of physical, mental, sexual and reproductive, and maternal health problems can result from violence against women.
• Many women do not seek help or report violence when it occurs.
The United Nations defines violence against women as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.
There are many forms of violence against women, including sexual, physical, or emotional abuse by an intimate partner; physical or sexual abuse by family members or others; sexual harassment and abuse by authority figures (such as teachers, police officers or employers); trafficking for forced labour or sex; and such traditional practices as forced or child marriages, dowry-related violence; and honour killings, when women are murdered in the name of family honour. Systematic sexual abuse in conflict situations is another form of violence against women.
Scope of the problem
• In a 10-country study on women's health and domestic violence conducted by WHO,
o Between 15% and 71% of women reported physical or sexual violence by a husband or partner.
o Many women said that their first sexual experience was not consensual. (24% in rural Peru, 28% in Tanzania, 30% in rural Bangladesh, and 40% in South Africa).
o Between 4% and 12% of women reported being physically abused during pregnancy. More about the study
• Every year, about 5,000 women are murdered by family members in the name of honour each year worldwide.
• Trafficking of women and girls for forced labour and sex is widespread and often affects the most vulnerable.
• Forced marriages and child marriages violate the human rights of women and girls, yet they are widely practiced in many countries in Asia, the Middle East and sub-Saharan Africa.
• Worldwide, up to one in five women and one in 10 men report experiencing sexual abuse as children. Children subjected to sexual abuse are much more likely to encounter other forms of abuse later in life.
Health effects
Health consequences can result directly from violent acts or from the long-term effects of violence.
• Injuries: Physical and sexual abuse by a partner is closely associated with injuries. Violence by an intimate partner is the leading cause of non-fatal injuries to women in the USA.
• Death: Deaths from violence against women include honour killings (by families for cultural reasons); suicide; female infanticide (murder of infant girls); and maternal death from unsafe abortion.
• Sexual and reproductive health: Violence against women is associated with sexually transmitted infections such as HIV/AIDS, unintended pregnancies, gynaecological problems, induced abortions, and adverse pregnancy outcomes, including miscarriage, low birth weight and fetal death.
• Risky behaviours: Sexual abuse as a child is associated with higher rates of sexual risk-taking (such as first sex at an early age, multiple partners and unprotected sex), substance use, and additional victimization. Each of these behaviours increases risks of health problems.
• Mental health: Violence and abuse increase risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, sleep difficulties, eating disorders and emotional distress.
• Physical health: Abuse can result in many health problems, including headaches, back pain, abdominal pain, fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal disorders, limited mobility, and poor overall health.
Social and economic costs
The social and economic costs of violence against women are enormous and have ripple effects throughout society. Women may suffer isolation, inability to work, loss of wages, lack of participation in regular activities, and limited ability to care for themselves and their children.
Who is at risk?
Though risk factors vary, some characteristics seem to increase the likelihood of violence. The potential risk factors can be grouped into the following subsets.
• Individual: Personal attributes associated with higher risk of violence include: limited education, a young age, lower socio-economic status, limited education, a history of abuse and substance use, and, for partner violence, the choice of partner. Partner traits that put women at risk include alcohol or drug use, low educational level, negative attitudes about women, and witnessing domestic violence against women or being abused as a child.
• Family and relationship: Within families, risk of violence increases with marital conflicts, male dominance, economic stress and poor family functioning.
• Community: Within communities, the risk is higher where there is gender inequality, and a lack of community cohesion or resources.
• Societal: On a broader level, higher risk is found in societies with traditional gender norms or a lack of autonomy for women, and where there are restrictive laws on divorce and ownership and inheritance of property, or when there is social breakdown due to conflicts or disasters.
This is true just not for male/female but it also runs rampant in the gay and lesbian communities of the world also. It is also just as prevalent in the gay and lesbian community. Did you know:
Fact: Domestic violence occurs in approximately 25-33% of same-sex relationships. 3(NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, October 1996.)2 - http://www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html#links
According the Website: aardvark.org - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection – Here are indicators of abuse:
Using Emotional Abuse
• Putting you down
• Making you feel bad about yourself
• Calling you names
• Implying that you are crazy
• Playing mind games
• Using guilt as a weapon of control
• Using humiliation
Using Privilege
• Treating you like a servant
• Making all decisions for the family or couple
• Acting like an owner or master
• Being the one to define and enforce roles
• Expecting you to obey like a child
Using Coercion and Threats
• Making or carrying out threats
• Threatening to leave
• Threating to harm themself if you leave
• Threatening to hurt other family members or pets if you leave
• Threatening to report you to police, child welfare, etc. to control you
• Threatening to file false charges against you
• Using threats to get you to drop charges
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using Intimidation
• Making you afraid - looks, gestures, actions
• Smashing things
• Abusing pets
• Displaying weapons
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using the Children
• Using the children to relay messages
• Using visitation to harass you
• Threatening to take the children
• Threatening to harm the children
Using Isolation
• Controlling what you do
• Controlling who you see or talk to
• Limiting your outside involvement
• Not letting you work
• Not letting you receive an education
• Using jealousy to justify actions against you
• Destroying your support system
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Making light of the abuse
• Saying abusive behavior was not abusive
• Shifting the responsibility for the behavior to you
There is no excuse for these things. NONE whatsoever. No matter who doesn’t and I don’t care who does it, let me tell you it’s wrong. There are cases of pastors, religious clergy, kings, businessmen, politicians and even people in law enforcement doing this and no matter who they are it is unexcuseable. What you find is a person of extreme low self esteem. You see this is born out of fear and the need to control which is a lack of security within them. There have been known cases where people have been murdered at the hands of an abusing partner. Our lives are our properties and no matter who they are no one has the right to take them.
Getting out, getting help and starting new:
Many of these “abusers” use false psychology on their partners in fear of their partners leaving. As we say from the list above, batters try all sorts of things to try to keep themselves in control when they have no control whatsoever. The question is why does one stay in this situation. Many of these perpetrators try to destroy support systems, relationships and more. We must recognize their ploys and create a way out for ourselves and others. No matter what, there is always a way out. None of us have to stay in that situation ever.
How do you know if you are being abused or wanting to know if someone is being abused: Here are some signs: www.ardvark.org –
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
Is Someone You Know Being Abused?
Look for the signs:
Injuries and Excuses:
In some cases, bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. When this happens, the intent of the batterer is to keep the victim isolated and trapped at home. When black eyes and other bruising is a result of domestic violence, the person being battered may be forced to call in sick to work, or face the embarrassment and excuses of how the injuries occurred. When there are frequent injuries seen by others, the victim may talk about being clumsy, or have elaborate stories of how the injuries occurred. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries may be inflicted in places where the injuries won't show. This too is a tactic used by an abuser to keep a victim from reaching out or from having the violence exposed.
Absences from Work or School:
When severe beatings or other trauma related to violence occurs, the victim may take time off from their normal schedule. If you see this happening, or the person is frequently late, this could be a sign of something (such as relationship violence) occurring.
Low Self-Esteem:
Some victims have low self-esteem, while others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in other areas of their life (at work, as a parent, with hobbies, etc.) but not within their relationship. In terms of dealing with the relationship, a sense of powerlessness may exist. A victim may believe that they could not make it on their own or that they are somehow better off with the abuser as part of their life.
Personality Changes:
People may notice that a very outgoing person, for instance, becoming quiet and shy around their partner over time. This happens because the one being battered "walks on egg shells" when in the presence of the one who is abusive. Accusations (of flirting, talking too loudly, or telling the wrong story to someone) have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the batterer than to experience additional accusations in the future.
Fear of Conflict:
As a result of being battered, some victims may generalize the experience of powerlessness with other relationships. Conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives, and neighbors can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing. Victims may also exhibit overly-friendly behavior, particularly to those that they perceive as being in a position of power ... like the abuser's inlaws, a boss or a supervisor at work, or even to advocates if a victim is seeking help from a domestic violence program. This can manifest as everything from sending cards to only very casual acquaintences to making dinner or providing over-indulgent attention.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
For adults or children who have experienced violence from a loved one, the ability to identify feelings and wants, and to express them, may not exist. This could result in passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than telling others what they want, they say one thing but then express anger or frustration in an aggressive manner (such as burning dinner, or not completing a report on time for their boss).
Self-blame:
You may notice someone taking all of the blame for things that go wrong. A co-worker may share a story about something that happened at home and then take all of the blame for whatever occurred. If you notice this happening a lot, it may be a sign that this person is being experiencing emotional abuse. Keep in mind that in an emotionally abusive relationship, abusers often excel at constantly "reminding" the victim that THEY are to blame for whatever has been happening. Once internalized, this can poison one's ability to see through an abuser's lies.
Isolation and Control:
In general, adults who are abused physically are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their lives to a great extent as well as verbally degrade them. This isolation is intended to make the abuser the center of the victim's universe, as well as to purposefully limit the victim's access to others who might attempt to help the victim escape. You might notice that someone: has limited access to the telephone, frequently makes excuses as to why they can't see you or they insist that their partner has to come along, doesn't seem to be able to make decisions about spending money, isn't allowed to drive, go to school or get a job; or has a noteable change in self-esteem which might include inability to make eye contact or looking away or at the ground when talking.
Stress-Related Problems:
These often manifest as poor sleep, sleeping at strange times (also a sign of depression), experiencing non-specific aches or pains that are either constant and/or recurring, stomach problems, chronic headaches, and flare up of problems made worse by stress such as excema.
The truth is there is help. There is always a way out. Friends, co workers and law enforcement and other agencies to get help from. What can we do practically? Here are things you can do:
1. Tell Someone. Let them know how you feel and let them know what you are going through. You are not alone and there is someone you can turn to. Whether it is a church, law agency or whatever, you can get help from someone. Build your support system and keep it. Don’t’ allow someone to think they are the center of your universe, because they are not. You are.
2. Have a private bank account. If you share your bank account, start you own and put your own money in there. Make sure you save enough for yourself and have for emergencies. This is important as you will need money when you leave your abuser. They will try to get to you. Have your own money, make sure you have your have your own money and not depending on them to give you any. Contrary to popular belief they do not have control of your money. Not ever.
3. Find a safe place. Whether you have to rent a place or have to find a safe place, get there so you have a place to escape. Be careful who you tell where you are going and why. Not everyone understands.
3. K now the bullshit. He doesn’t love you, know this. And stick to your plan.
4. Protect yourself. After you have left, go and get a court order to keep him/her away from you. Make sure you document everything that they do from the phone calls, to the visits and more.
5. Find a support group. You are not alone. After you have made your plan, protection kit and have left, find people that have been in your same situation and move forward. Don’t let anyone stop you.
6. Live your life. Take care of yourself, dont' allow them to do it. You don’t have to live the shadow of abuse. No matter what anyone says, you have to take care of you. The universe wants you to be happy, healthy and whole
Let’s take this even further into the reality of marriage and relationships. I don’t’ think that many of us understand the importance of how we treat our partners. We have to understand that our partners are more than just people, they are gold. They are more precious than jewels. They are more precious than anything that is around upon the earth. They are our life’s blood.
You see friends we should treat our partners with honor and love as we treat ourselves. Our partners should be seen as equals and not subservient. Especially in regards to our relationship to them. ( in this book we deal with all partners, straight, gay, lesbian and bisexual). Many people say the love their partners, but constantly mistreat them. Many of them have been raped, beaten, verbally abused, stalked, and other forms of physical toture. This was not meant to be.
I don’t care who you are, your partner is precious. We are to honor our partners with respect in the same way we would we treat our bodies. It is a shame in the way the people treat their spouses and significant others and think it’s ok to do this. Get this straight – it is never ok. NEVER. No one is punching bag, no one is a pen cushion and no one is to be abused. If there is abuse there are often mental issues to that go along with them.
Listen up and understand this, when you mistreat your partner you are subconscious mistreating yourself. You are damaging yourself with bad karma and beyond. You are creating a bad environment for your family – a gift from the spirit and the Creator. What the hell is wrong with you?
We hear of these cases all of the time, women being abused by their boyfriends and husbands; gay and lesbian partners often being abused by their partners in the same house creating fear and creating insecurity; These things too manifest themselves as bruises upon the face, unexplained falls, broken arms, being imprisoned in your own home and why? It is because someone lacks manhood, women and respect for themselves.
This may be hard to take, but how many people would abuse their own bodies and starve themselves to death? How many people would take a baseball and beat themselves or throw themselves into a wall? How many people would want to live in fear and stalk themselves? These are questions to think about it and answer.
I would say that this is just one culture, but this is across the board. Men abusing women from county to county, knowing that women are the backbone of every society and one of the most important in the rearing of children -[incidently, did you know the women have a higher threshold of pain – 40% more than men?] – and maintaining life in communities. No woman should be hit or live in fear for her life because a man cannot control his hormones or his religion says that she is lesser. That does not matter.
Women are to be honored and respected and not hurt or dejected. They are not sex objects, but pivotal to every society known to man. Truth of the matter is that typically when a man abuses a women in a situation and tries to control, it is evident that they have been cheating, plan to cheat or something to hide. Often times women have been known to stand and take it because the men try to use psychological mumbo jumbo against them.
Here are some facts from various sources on this subject:
Fact : Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds. (UN Study On The Status of Women, Year 2000) – taken from the the feminist.org
Fact: 64% of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date. (Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women, Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, November, 2000)
According the World Health Organization: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
Violence against women
KEY FACTS:
• Violence against women is a major public health problem and a violation of human rights.
• Lack of access to education and opportunity, and low social status in communities are linked to violence against women.
• Violence by an intimate partner is one of the most common forms of violence against women.
• A wide range of physical, mental, sexual and reproductive, and maternal health problems can result from violence against women.
• Many women do not seek help or report violence when it occurs.
The United Nations defines violence against women as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.
There are many forms of violence against women, including sexual, physical, or emotional abuse by an intimate partner; physical or sexual abuse by family members or others; sexual harassment and abuse by authority figures (such as teachers, police officers or employers); trafficking for forced labour or sex; and such traditional practices as forced or child marriages, dowry-related violence; and honour killings, when women are murdered in the name of family honour. Systematic sexual abuse in conflict situations is another form of violence against women.
Scope of the problem
• In a 10-country study on women's health and domestic violence conducted by WHO,
o Between 15% and 71% of women reported physical or sexual violence by a husband or partner.
o Many women said that their first sexual experience was not consensual. (24% in rural Peru, 28% in Tanzania, 30% in rural Bangladesh, and 40% in South Africa).
o Between 4% and 12% of women reported being physically abused during pregnancy. More about the study
• Every year, about 5,000 women are murdered by family members in the name of honour each year worldwide.
• Trafficking of women and girls for forced labour and sex is widespread and often affects the most vulnerable.
• Forced marriages and child marriages violate the human rights of women and girls, yet they are widely practiced in many countries in Asia, the Middle East and sub-Saharan Africa.
• Worldwide, up to one in five women and one in 10 men report experiencing sexual abuse as children. Children subjected to sexual abuse are much more likely to encounter other forms of abuse later in life.
Health effects
Health consequences can result directly from violent acts or from the long-term effects of violence.
• Injuries: Physical and sexual abuse by a partner is closely associated with injuries. Violence by an intimate partner is the leading cause of non-fatal injuries to women in the USA.
• Death: Deaths from violence against women include honour killings (by families for cultural reasons); suicide; female infanticide (murder of infant girls); and maternal death from unsafe abortion.
• Sexual and reproductive health: Violence against women is associated with sexually transmitted infections such as HIV/AIDS, unintended pregnancies, gynaecological problems, induced abortions, and adverse pregnancy outcomes, including miscarriage, low birth weight and fetal death.
• Risky behaviours: Sexual abuse as a child is associated with higher rates of sexual risk-taking (such as first sex at an early age, multiple partners and unprotected sex), substance use, and additional victimization. Each of these behaviours increases risks of health problems.
• Mental health: Violence and abuse increase risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, sleep difficulties, eating disorders and emotional distress.
• Physical health: Abuse can result in many health problems, including headaches, back pain, abdominal pain, fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal disorders, limited mobility, and poor overall health.
Social and economic costs
The social and economic costs of violence against women are enormous and have ripple effects throughout society. Women may suffer isolation, inability to work, loss of wages, lack of participation in regular activities, and limited ability to care for themselves and their children.
Who is at risk?
Though risk factors vary, some characteristics seem to increase the likelihood of violence. The potential risk factors can be grouped into the following subsets.
• Individual: Personal attributes associated with higher risk of violence include: limited education, a young age, lower socio-economic status, limited education, a history of abuse and substance use, and, for partner violence, the choice of partner. Partner traits that put women at risk include alcohol or drug use, low educational level, negative attitudes about women, and witnessing domestic violence against women or being abused as a child.
• Family and relationship: Within families, risk of violence increases with marital conflicts, male dominance, economic stress and poor family functioning.
• Community: Within communities, the risk is higher where there is gender inequality, and a lack of community cohesion or resources.
• Societal: On a broader level, higher risk is found in societies with traditional gender norms or a lack of autonomy for women, and where there are restrictive laws on divorce and ownership and inheritance of property, or when there is social breakdown due to conflicts or disasters.
This is true just not for male/female but it also runs rampant in the gay and lesbian communities of the world also. It is also just as prevalent in the gay and lesbian community. Did you know:
Fact: Domestic violence occurs in approximately 25-33% of same-sex relationships. 3(NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, October 1996.)2 - http://www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html#links
According the Website: aardvark.org - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection – Here are indicators of abuse:
Using Emotional Abuse
• Putting you down
• Making you feel bad about yourself
• Calling you names
• Implying that you are crazy
• Playing mind games
• Using guilt as a weapon of control
• Using humiliation
Using Privilege
• Treating you like a servant
• Making all decisions for the family or couple
• Acting like an owner or master
• Being the one to define and enforce roles
• Expecting you to obey like a child
Using Coercion and Threats
• Making or carrying out threats
• Threatening to leave
• Threating to harm themself if you leave
• Threatening to hurt other family members or pets if you leave
• Threatening to report you to police, child welfare, etc. to control you
• Threatening to file false charges against you
• Using threats to get you to drop charges
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using Intimidation
• Making you afraid - looks, gestures, actions
• Smashing things
• Abusing pets
• Displaying weapons
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using the Children
• Using the children to relay messages
• Using visitation to harass you
• Threatening to take the children
• Threatening to harm the children
Using Isolation
• Controlling what you do
• Controlling who you see or talk to
• Limiting your outside involvement
• Not letting you work
• Not letting you receive an education
• Using jealousy to justify actions against you
• Destroying your support system
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Making light of the abuse
• Saying abusive behavior was not abusive
• Shifting the responsibility for the behavior to you
There is no excuse for these things. NONE whatsoever. No matter who doesn’t and I don’t care who does it, let me tell you it’s wrong. There are cases of pastors, religious clergy, kings, businessmen, politicians and even people in law enforcement doing this and no matter who they are it is unexcuseable. What you find is a person of extreme low self esteem. You see this is born out of fear and the need to control which is a lack of security within them. There have been known cases where people have been murdered at the hands of an abusing partner. Our lives are our properties and no matter who they are no one has the right to take them.
Getting out, getting help and starting new:
Many of these “abusers” use false psychology on their partners in fear of their partners leaving. As we say from the list above, batters try all sorts of things to try to keep themselves in control when they have no control whatsoever. The question is why does one stay in this situation. Many of these perpetrators try to destroy support systems, relationships and more. We must recognize their ploys and create a way out for ourselves and others. No matter what, there is always a way out. None of us have to stay in that situation ever.
How do you know if you are being abused or wanting to know if someone is being abused: Here are some signs: www.ardvark.org –
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
Is Someone You Know Being Abused?
Look for the signs:
Injuries and Excuses:
In some cases, bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. When this happens, the intent of the batterer is to keep the victim isolated and trapped at home. When black eyes and other bruising is a result of domestic violence, the person being battered may be forced to call in sick to work, or face the embarrassment and excuses of how the injuries occurred. When there are frequent injuries seen by others, the victim may talk about being clumsy, or have elaborate stories of how the injuries occurred. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries may be inflicted in places where the injuries won't show. This too is a tactic used by an abuser to keep a victim from reaching out or from having the violence exposed.
Absences from Work or School:
When severe beatings or other trauma related to violence occurs, the victim may take time off from their normal schedule. If you see this happening, or the person is frequently late, this could be a sign of something (such as relationship violence) occurring.
Low Self-Esteem:
Some victims have low self-esteem, while others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in other areas of their life (at work, as a parent, with hobbies, etc.) but not within their relationship. In terms of dealing with the relationship, a sense of powerlessness may exist. A victim may believe that they could not make it on their own or that they are somehow better off with the abuser as part of their life.
Personality Changes:
People may notice that a very outgoing person, for instance, becoming quiet and shy around their partner over time. This happens because the one being battered "walks on egg shells" when in the presence of the one who is abusive. Accusations (of flirting, talking too loudly, or telling the wrong story to someone) have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the batterer than to experience additional accusations in the future.
Fear of Conflict:
As a result of being battered, some victims may generalize the experience of powerlessness with other relationships. Conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives, and neighbors can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing. Victims may also exhibit overly-friendly behavior, particularly to those that they perceive as being in a position of power ... like the abuser's inlaws, a boss or a supervisor at work, or even to advocates if a victim is seeking help from a domestic violence program. This can manifest as everything from sending cards to only very casual acquaintences to making dinner or providing over-indulgent attention.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
For adults or children who have experienced violence from a loved one, the ability to identify feelings and wants, and to express them, may not exist. This could result in passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than telling others what they want, they say one thing but then express anger or frustration in an aggressive manner (such as burning dinner, or not completing a report on time for their boss).
Self-blame:
You may notice someone taking all of the blame for things that go wrong. A co-worker may share a story about something that happened at home and then take all of the blame for whatever occurred. If you notice this happening a lot, it may be a sign that this person is being experiencing emotional abuse. Keep in mind that in an emotionally abusive relationship, abusers often excel at constantly "reminding" the victim that THEY are to blame for whatever has been happening. Once internalized, this can poison one's ability to see through an abuser's lies.
Isolation and Control:
In general, adults who are abused physically are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their lives to a great extent as well as verbally degrade them. This isolation is intended to make the abuser the center of the victim's universe, as well as to purposefully limit the victim's access to others who might attempt to help the victim escape. You might notice that someone: has limited access to the telephone, frequently makes excuses as to why they can't see you or they insist that their partner has to come along, doesn't seem to be able to make decisions about spending money, isn't allowed to drive, go to school or get a job; or has a noteable change in self-esteem which might include inability to make eye contact or looking away or at the ground when talking.
Stress-Related Problems:
These often manifest as poor sleep, sleeping at strange times (also a sign of depression), experiencing non-specific aches or pains that are either constant and/or recurring, stomach problems, chronic headaches, and flare up of problems made worse by stress such as excema.
The truth is there is help. There is always a way out. Friends, co workers and law enforcement and other agencies to get help from. What can we do practically? Here are things you can do:
1. Tell Someone. Let them know how you feel and let them know what you are going through. You are not alone and there is someone you can turn to. Whether it is a church, law agency or whatever, you can get help from someone. Build your support system and keep it. Don’t’ allow someone to think they are the center of your universe, because they are not. You are.
2. Have a private bank account. If you share your bank account, start you own and put your own money in there. Make sure you save enough for yourself and have for emergencies. This is important as you will need money when you leave your abuser. They will try to get to you. Have your own money, make sure you have your have your own money and not depending on them to give you any. Contrary to popular belief they do not have control of your money. Not ever.
3. Find a safe place. Whether you have to rent a place or have to find a safe place, get there so you have a place to escape. Be careful who you tell where you are going and why. Not everyone understands.
3. K now the bullshit. He doesn’t love you, know this. And stick to your plan.
4. Protect yourself. After you have left, go and get a court order to keep him/her away from you. Make sure you document everything that they do from the phone calls, to the visits and more.
5. Find a support group. You are not alone. After you have made your plan, protection kit and have left, find people that have been in your same situation and move forward. Don’t let anyone stop you.
6. Live your life. Take care of yourself, dont' allow them to do it. You don’t have to live the shadow of abuse. No matter what anyone says, you have to take care of you. The universe wants you to be happy, healthy and whole
Sex and Intimacy
Let’s talk more about intimacy and sex. These are important concepts in our relationships . Very important no matter the level of relationship or who they are with. Often times, in relationship , especially in our Ameriacn Society sex is often viewed as intimacy and used as a way of self gratification. People go out to bars, cruise online, cruise the streets, make advances at work all for the sake of having sex and finding intimacy. However, that’s not always the right way.
In building relationships intimacy is vital.
This is especially so if you are dating someone with intention of a long relationship. Intimacy is looking into oneself to find out about ones self. Most important intimacy is sharing ones’ self as we have started before. With this in mind, let’s take it one step more.
Often times, our expression of intimacy is through sex, sexual contact or touch or feelings. In our minds this is how we know to express ourselves when we want to find intimacy. Men, and you know this is true tend to relate sex to intimacy. Women, often times look for an emotional connection. No matter what the mindset, our desire is still to the same to find a deep meaningful relationship that we can share our lives and ourselves.
When our hearts and our minds fully understand this, intimacy and sex take on a new meaning in life. It begins to unfold in ways that we never learned or understood. Into of trying to get intimacy and seeking out partners for this, we find that intimacy is seeking us. And with our partners, we begin to see more of them and their wonderful qualities and how we can please them more. As this intimacy grows, so does our passion and sexual prowess.
Please understand that this is important. As we continue to build intimacy with ourselves sand our significant others the expression of that intimacy results in more than just your average time in the bedroom. As we make time for our partners for dinner, or calling them during the day to see how they are doing, we are building intimacy. We are creating and communicating that they are valued and appreciated.
In this way, our love and intimacy deepens between us. When we listen to our partners attentive and hearing their issues without reservation and judgment then we are creating a deep sense of intimacy. When we are affirming our partners good qualities and affirming who they are, we are creating intimacy. It is this intimacy that fuels the passion of sex and takes it to a new level.
No longer are we looking at our partners as a way of gratifying ourselves, but we are seeing them for who they are. They are seen as the most valueable and precious part of our lives. We begin to understand that our acts of sexual is actually moved into the term of making love, meaning that we are expressing our inner most selves with our partners. This expression leads to a deeper connection that will transcend words or thoughts. It become an unspoken dept of love we cannot even begin to understand. We start to become one.
As we are becoming one we begin to care more deeply about of our partners needs. Not just he needs for sex and physical, but the spiritual and emotional needs. This undersanding also brings to the table of serving our partners and we understand that as we discuss issues of sex and intimacy, that our bodies become no longer our own, but we also our partners. Our minds and spirits seem to be acting as one.
In this way we have built a relationship that will stand the test of time. This relationship will flourish and grow during our times of adversity and challenges. Our marriages will have a strong foundation strength and our families that come out of this will be brought into a loving environment. Also, even if it doesn’t go into marriage, we have built a lasting relationship one that no matter what happens we know one another. We enjoy one another, appreciate the good points over the bad and want the best for our partners.
So sex is important. It is important to talk about. However it should not be the basis of the relationship, but the expression of the intimacy that has been built around it. It is central to any intimate relationship, but must be coupled with a knowledge of pleasing our partner and seeing our partner as they are. We will create a positive, healthy, and supportive relationship that is both balanced and fun. With this understanding, our sex lives will be high energy, passionate, long lasting but extremely satisfying.
Here are some things to think about in all this:
1. Find time to build with your partner. Schedule times to spend especially with them. Regardless of what else is going on, make sure you make time for them and always let them know you are making time for them.
2. Let them know how special they are and how much they are appAffirm them.Appreciate. Create and atmosphere of openness and communication. Let them know when you are having a bad day and just to talk. Hear them out when they need you to. Even though we are self reliant, we need tell them. Tell them you appreciate their minds, their actions, their bodies and the small things that they do. This positive interaction will bring about joy in your marriage/relationship.
3. Say I love you often and mean it. Tell your partner you love them. Mean it. Leave them surprise notes telling them you love them, and be fun about it. Guys don’t be monontonous with the same actions every time, let them know.
4. Shower together. No greater way than to take a shower/bath together and spend time washing each other. This will create sense together and well being of being under the washing of water. Whisper to your partner they are being washed under your love and tenderness.
5. Fix dinner or a picnic. Do something with nature together. Hike, do a picnic - or fix them dinner under the stars. Restaurants are not always the best place, but something simple and more simple can be done to make them feel like a million dollars. Make love under the stars.
6. Celabrate their achievement no matter how small. Always celebrate your partners accomplishments towards their dreams. Every little accomplishment matters. No mater how minute it may be from finishing a paper to celebrating the promotion or degree, celebrate your partners hardwork and effort to achieve their goals. This brings about a renewed self awareness and love them and you.
In building relationships intimacy is vital.
This is especially so if you are dating someone with intention of a long relationship. Intimacy is looking into oneself to find out about ones self. Most important intimacy is sharing ones’ self as we have started before. With this in mind, let’s take it one step more.
Often times, our expression of intimacy is through sex, sexual contact or touch or feelings. In our minds this is how we know to express ourselves when we want to find intimacy. Men, and you know this is true tend to relate sex to intimacy. Women, often times look for an emotional connection. No matter what the mindset, our desire is still to the same to find a deep meaningful relationship that we can share our lives and ourselves.
When our hearts and our minds fully understand this, intimacy and sex take on a new meaning in life. It begins to unfold in ways that we never learned or understood. Into of trying to get intimacy and seeking out partners for this, we find that intimacy is seeking us. And with our partners, we begin to see more of them and their wonderful qualities and how we can please them more. As this intimacy grows, so does our passion and sexual prowess.
Please understand that this is important. As we continue to build intimacy with ourselves sand our significant others the expression of that intimacy results in more than just your average time in the bedroom. As we make time for our partners for dinner, or calling them during the day to see how they are doing, we are building intimacy. We are creating and communicating that they are valued and appreciated.
In this way, our love and intimacy deepens between us. When we listen to our partners attentive and hearing their issues without reservation and judgment then we are creating a deep sense of intimacy. When we are affirming our partners good qualities and affirming who they are, we are creating intimacy. It is this intimacy that fuels the passion of sex and takes it to a new level.
No longer are we looking at our partners as a way of gratifying ourselves, but we are seeing them for who they are. They are seen as the most valueable and precious part of our lives. We begin to understand that our acts of sexual is actually moved into the term of making love, meaning that we are expressing our inner most selves with our partners. This expression leads to a deeper connection that will transcend words or thoughts. It become an unspoken dept of love we cannot even begin to understand. We start to become one.
As we are becoming one we begin to care more deeply about of our partners needs. Not just he needs for sex and physical, but the spiritual and emotional needs. This undersanding also brings to the table of serving our partners and we understand that as we discuss issues of sex and intimacy, that our bodies become no longer our own, but we also our partners. Our minds and spirits seem to be acting as one.
In this way we have built a relationship that will stand the test of time. This relationship will flourish and grow during our times of adversity and challenges. Our marriages will have a strong foundation strength and our families that come out of this will be brought into a loving environment. Also, even if it doesn’t go into marriage, we have built a lasting relationship one that no matter what happens we know one another. We enjoy one another, appreciate the good points over the bad and want the best for our partners.
So sex is important. It is important to talk about. However it should not be the basis of the relationship, but the expression of the intimacy that has been built around it. It is central to any intimate relationship, but must be coupled with a knowledge of pleasing our partner and seeing our partner as they are. We will create a positive, healthy, and supportive relationship that is both balanced and fun. With this understanding, our sex lives will be high energy, passionate, long lasting but extremely satisfying.
Here are some things to think about in all this:
1. Find time to build with your partner. Schedule times to spend especially with them. Regardless of what else is going on, make sure you make time for them and always let them know you are making time for them.
2. Let them know how special they are and how much they are appAffirm them.Appreciate. Create and atmosphere of openness and communication. Let them know when you are having a bad day and just to talk. Hear them out when they need you to. Even though we are self reliant, we need tell them. Tell them you appreciate their minds, their actions, their bodies and the small things that they do. This positive interaction will bring about joy in your marriage/relationship.
3. Say I love you often and mean it. Tell your partner you love them. Mean it. Leave them surprise notes telling them you love them, and be fun about it. Guys don’t be monontonous with the same actions every time, let them know.
4. Shower together. No greater way than to take a shower/bath together and spend time washing each other. This will create sense together and well being of being under the washing of water. Whisper to your partner they are being washed under your love and tenderness.
5. Fix dinner or a picnic. Do something with nature together. Hike, do a picnic - or fix them dinner under the stars. Restaurants are not always the best place, but something simple and more simple can be done to make them feel like a million dollars. Make love under the stars.
6. Celabrate their achievement no matter how small. Always celebrate your partners accomplishments towards their dreams. Every little accomplishment matters. No mater how minute it may be from finishing a paper to celebrating the promotion or degree, celebrate your partners hardwork and effort to achieve their goals. This brings about a renewed self awareness and love them and you.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Understanding Love WHen it Finds You.
You know we live in this world, it is amazng. For many of us we lead fast paced busy lives that seem to encompass all of our days. It is filled with work, activity and more. However, all the while when we are single we are searching for the special someone to fill our lives with. In our goings about every day, we can find it hard and strange to keep moving while in the back of our minds, we are getting older, the clock is ticking and yet is seems like the prospects that we are looking are few and far between.
So for many of us the root and core of our lives is not more money, possession or notoriety, it's relationships. Whether they be of social nature, familial, professional or more, we understand that our relationships are very important. We create everything in our lives, problems, good times and other things, we are responsible for those things coming, and we have to learn to choose the right people for our lives.
You see my firends, our relationships and friendships are meant be healthy, positive, supportive, and easy and with like minded people who we share a strong passion with and deep connection. We don't need to be around toxic individuals who seek nothing but total self benefit without any regards to us, our lives or our feelings. Who are constantly negative, badmouthing us and sending tring to send us destructive thoughts. We need not give focus to these peopl. We should have supportive, loving people who care about us and that we think about often. Sending the ones we love in positive and healthy manner and not always putting our expectations upon them. Thats important.
Those individuals who are bringing us life and peace and giving of themselves are what the universe wants for us. We are not meant to be alone. We are never to meant to be alone, but have long last relationships that are full of substance, character, and love. In this our relationships are ones that are full of intimacy.
Understand that when we reach the level of this intimacy and especially in romantic relationships this is important. Our partners should support, encourage, and help out dreams and we should do the same. It is important to understand that we must begin to see our partnes needs and meet those needs as best we can while maintaining a balance in self. Our inner man knows our desires, Spirit, will send those desires to us and will help us balance ourselves in the right way. Spirit will also keep people away from us that mean us harm. Those people who are not like minded or who invade ourselves, but it is up to us to listen attentively to Spirit.
Although I have been teaching about Spirit and relationships for years, I have just come to understand this more in a deeper way. I had been in a 7 year relationship with a wonderful person, who I adored and our lives came together for a time. However, over the years, it had become evident that we were growing a part. Now I am a person who is free and independent by nature as those around me are. However, in relationship there become a certain path - no expectations, but one partner doesn't need to be doing the work. And this was hard for me for while to believe in my partner, but them, not being aware of it, not reciprocating and blaming me. I finally had to let that relationship go for my own sake.
For so long i had been asking for a new partner and new relationship that was supportive, peaceful, harmonious, drama free, kind, loving, healthy, gentle, positive, and fun. Someone who was independent, like minded, (and since I had been stalked by unwanted person who was constantly trying to cause trouble for me and my health [not pleasant by the any stretch of the imagination-] sane in their mind) - affirming and loving their thoughts towards me. They needed to be a big thinker and social. One of the most important thing is that they had to care for my family and employees as much as I did. So the universe heard me in all aspects, spiritual, physical, emotional and deep relationships for me. So we get what we put in our hearts and what we ask for in our hearts. The universe heard me.
I have never been so encouraged, adored, supported and appreciated. Simple messages and seeing about my welfare has really taught me more about myself. It's been a unique experience one that I cherish and kept close to my heart and mind. Love is shown and not just spoken and I have experienced. When I was in the hospital I found myself in a position of needing others for the first time in a while. It taught me something. I was visited by a dear friend that at the time and since, has been a tremendous healing force in my life in ways that they cannot understand. It has brought a lot of emotional healing to me, something that I needed, but wasn't aware of.
Friends, we have to understand that universe responds to our hearts (Intention) and not always just our minds (which as fleeting thinking) . Thoughts arise out of our hearts and from there life happens. The universe responds to what is going on inside of us and not our eyes or anything else. At the center of us is the subconscious mind that people are looking for and that they see. According to the Energy Bus by Jon Gordon, that our hearts at as the emotional center of being. People can detect heart energy up to 5,000 feet away. So it's stronger than our thoughts.
So when dealing with relationships, know that life happens from us. Our relationships are because of what is giong on in our hearts. Our focus is because of what is going on in our hearts. Our understanding is because of what is going on in our hearts. Integrity is about what is going on in our hearts.
Here ae some practical things:
1. Quiet your mind and hear your heart.....
Questions to ask:
What are you looking for and what are you after?
What kind of things are you wanting in your positive reactions with your life partner, soulmate, husband, or wife?
Are you truly happy with yourself? Are you at peace with you? What are you doing to make yourself peaceful?
How are you treating yourself?
2. Make a list of what you want and be specific and hold htat in your mind. Remember you choose what you want and stick to it. The universe will respond. And the universe will respond in a positive manner.
3. Affirmation. It important that you say this outloud and your intention - To borrow a phrase/affirmation from Marc Allen from his book Visionary Leardership - I am manifesting the life of dreams in a relaxed, easy, positive and healthy manner, this or something better for the good of all involved.
4. Focus on your partners good qualities. See yourself with your partner. See your life together. So what you want and your subconscious mind will do the rest.
5. Focus on yourself. Work on yourself, get in shape, look your best and begin to take care of you. Love yourself and form a good relationship with yourself. This is important. Get to know you. Celebrate your accomplishments and look for love from within. It is loving yourself and discovering the God within you the you find the love to love others. No worries. No restrictions.
6. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Love knows no bounds/genders/sexual orientation. When you find the right partner you know. Dont' be hung up by society's hang ups. They don't apply to you. It's your life, live it. Laws change and die, but you have live here now.
So for many of us the root and core of our lives is not more money, possession or notoriety, it's relationships. Whether they be of social nature, familial, professional or more, we understand that our relationships are very important. We create everything in our lives, problems, good times and other things, we are responsible for those things coming, and we have to learn to choose the right people for our lives.
You see my firends, our relationships and friendships are meant be healthy, positive, supportive, and easy and with like minded people who we share a strong passion with and deep connection. We don't need to be around toxic individuals who seek nothing but total self benefit without any regards to us, our lives or our feelings. Who are constantly negative, badmouthing us and sending tring to send us destructive thoughts. We need not give focus to these peopl. We should have supportive, loving people who care about us and that we think about often. Sending the ones we love in positive and healthy manner and not always putting our expectations upon them. Thats important.
Those individuals who are bringing us life and peace and giving of themselves are what the universe wants for us. We are not meant to be alone. We are never to meant to be alone, but have long last relationships that are full of substance, character, and love. In this our relationships are ones that are full of intimacy.
Understand that when we reach the level of this intimacy and especially in romantic relationships this is important. Our partners should support, encourage, and help out dreams and we should do the same. It is important to understand that we must begin to see our partnes needs and meet those needs as best we can while maintaining a balance in self. Our inner man knows our desires, Spirit, will send those desires to us and will help us balance ourselves in the right way. Spirit will also keep people away from us that mean us harm. Those people who are not like minded or who invade ourselves, but it is up to us to listen attentively to Spirit.
Although I have been teaching about Spirit and relationships for years, I have just come to understand this more in a deeper way. I had been in a 7 year relationship with a wonderful person, who I adored and our lives came together for a time. However, over the years, it had become evident that we were growing a part. Now I am a person who is free and independent by nature as those around me are. However, in relationship there become a certain path - no expectations, but one partner doesn't need to be doing the work. And this was hard for me for while to believe in my partner, but them, not being aware of it, not reciprocating and blaming me. I finally had to let that relationship go for my own sake.
For so long i had been asking for a new partner and new relationship that was supportive, peaceful, harmonious, drama free, kind, loving, healthy, gentle, positive, and fun. Someone who was independent, like minded, (and since I had been stalked by unwanted person who was constantly trying to cause trouble for me and my health [not pleasant by the any stretch of the imagination-] sane in their mind) - affirming and loving their thoughts towards me. They needed to be a big thinker and social. One of the most important thing is that they had to care for my family and employees as much as I did. So the universe heard me in all aspects, spiritual, physical, emotional and deep relationships for me. So we get what we put in our hearts and what we ask for in our hearts. The universe heard me.
I have never been so encouraged, adored, supported and appreciated. Simple messages and seeing about my welfare has really taught me more about myself. It's been a unique experience one that I cherish and kept close to my heart and mind. Love is shown and not just spoken and I have experienced. When I was in the hospital I found myself in a position of needing others for the first time in a while. It taught me something. I was visited by a dear friend that at the time and since, has been a tremendous healing force in my life in ways that they cannot understand. It has brought a lot of emotional healing to me, something that I needed, but wasn't aware of.
Friends, we have to understand that universe responds to our hearts (Intention) and not always just our minds (which as fleeting thinking) . Thoughts arise out of our hearts and from there life happens. The universe responds to what is going on inside of us and not our eyes or anything else. At the center of us is the subconscious mind that people are looking for and that they see. According to the Energy Bus by Jon Gordon, that our hearts at as the emotional center of being. People can detect heart energy up to 5,000 feet away. So it's stronger than our thoughts.
So when dealing with relationships, know that life happens from us. Our relationships are because of what is giong on in our hearts. Our focus is because of what is going on in our hearts. Our understanding is because of what is going on in our hearts. Integrity is about what is going on in our hearts.
Here ae some practical things:
1. Quiet your mind and hear your heart.....
Questions to ask:
What are you looking for and what are you after?
What kind of things are you wanting in your positive reactions with your life partner, soulmate, husband, or wife?
Are you truly happy with yourself? Are you at peace with you? What are you doing to make yourself peaceful?
How are you treating yourself?
2. Make a list of what you want and be specific and hold htat in your mind. Remember you choose what you want and stick to it. The universe will respond. And the universe will respond in a positive manner.
3. Affirmation. It important that you say this outloud and your intention - To borrow a phrase/affirmation from Marc Allen from his book Visionary Leardership - I am manifesting the life of dreams in a relaxed, easy, positive and healthy manner, this or something better for the good of all involved.
4. Focus on your partners good qualities. See yourself with your partner. See your life together. So what you want and your subconscious mind will do the rest.
5. Focus on yourself. Work on yourself, get in shape, look your best and begin to take care of you. Love yourself and form a good relationship with yourself. This is important. Get to know you. Celebrate your accomplishments and look for love from within. It is loving yourself and discovering the God within you the you find the love to love others. No worries. No restrictions.
6. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Love knows no bounds/genders/sexual orientation. When you find the right partner you know. Dont' be hung up by society's hang ups. They don't apply to you. It's your life, live it. Laws change and die, but you have live here now.
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