New Series...Memoir...The Men in My life.

I am starting a new book, and memoir about those who have been in my life and the Lives and loves......I have been a part of and how much they have impacted my life. It is a show case of all of those loves that I have shared my heart with or other things - get you mind out of the gutter - like relationships - who have been constantly on my mind, supported me and loved me. Stay tuned to learn about Brandon.....

Talking about Abusive Relationship

Moving Deeper – Let’s talk about what Know what no one will discuss.
Let’s take this even further into the reality of marriage and relationships. I don’t’ think that many of us understand the importance of how we treat our partners. We have to understand that our partners are more than just people, they are gold. They are more precious than jewels. They are more precious than anything that is around upon the earth. They are our life’s blood.
You see friends we should treat our partners with honor and love as we treat ourselves. Our partners should be seen as equals and not subservient. Especially in regards to our relationship to them. ( in this book we deal with all partners, straight, gay, lesbian and bisexual). Many people say the love their partners, but constantly mistreat them. Many of them have been raped, beaten, verbally abused, stalked, and other forms of physical toture. This was not meant to be.
I don’t care who you are, your partner is precious. We are to honor our partners with respect in the same way we would we treat our bodies. It is a shame in the way the people treat their spouses and significant others and think it’s ok to do this. Get this straight – it is never ok. NEVER. No one is punching bag, no one is a pen cushion and no one is to be abused. If there is abuse there are often mental issues to that go along with them.
Listen up and understand this, when you mistreat your partner you are subconscious mistreating yourself. You are damaging yourself with bad karma and beyond. You are creating a bad environment for your family – a gift from the spirit and the Creator. What the hell is wrong with you?
We hear of these cases all of the time, women being abused by their boyfriends and husbands; gay and lesbian partners often being abused by their partners in the same house creating fear and creating insecurity; These things too manifest themselves as bruises upon the face, unexplained falls, broken arms, being imprisoned in your own home and why? It is because someone lacks manhood, women and respect for themselves.
This may be hard to take, but how many people would abuse their own bodies and starve themselves to death? How many people would take a baseball and beat themselves or throw themselves into a wall? How many people would want to live in fear and stalk themselves? These are questions to think about it and answer.
I would say that this is just one culture, but this is across the board. Men abusing women from county to county, knowing that women are the backbone of every society and one of the most important in the rearing of children -[incidently, did you know the women have a higher threshold of pain – 40% more than men?] – and maintaining life in communities. No woman should be hit or live in fear for her life because a man cannot control his hormones or his religion says that she is lesser. That does not matter.
Women are to be honored and respected and not hurt or dejected. They are not sex objects, but pivotal to every society known to man. Truth of the matter is that typically when a man abuses a women in a situation and tries to control, it is evident that they have been cheating, plan to cheat or something to hide. Often times women have been known to stand and take it because the men try to use psychological mumbo jumbo against them.
Here are some facts from various sources on this subject:
Fact : Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds. (UN Study On The Status of Women, Year 2000) – taken from the the feminist.org
Fact: 64% of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date. (Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women, Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, November, 2000)


According the World Health Organization: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
Violence against women

KEY FACTS:
• Violence against women is a major public health problem and a violation of human rights.
• Lack of access to education and opportunity, and low social status in communities are linked to violence against women.
• Violence by an intimate partner is one of the most common forms of violence against women.
• A wide range of physical, mental, sexual and reproductive, and maternal health problems can result from violence against women.
• Many women do not seek help or report violence when it occurs.

The United Nations defines violence against women as any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.
There are many forms of violence against women, including sexual, physical, or emotional abuse by an intimate partner; physical or sexual abuse by family members or others; sexual harassment and abuse by authority figures (such as teachers, police officers or employers); trafficking for forced labour or sex; and such traditional practices as forced or child marriages, dowry-related violence; and honour killings, when women are murdered in the name of family honour. Systematic sexual abuse in conflict situations is another form of violence against women.
Scope of the problem
• In a 10-country study on women's health and domestic violence conducted by WHO,
o Between 15% and 71% of women reported physical or sexual violence by a husband or partner.
o Many women said that their first sexual experience was not consensual. (24% in rural Peru, 28% in Tanzania, 30% in rural Bangladesh, and 40% in South Africa).
o Between 4% and 12% of women reported being physically abused during pregnancy. More about the study
• Every year, about 5,000 women are murdered by family members in the name of honour each year worldwide.
• Trafficking of women and girls for forced labour and sex is widespread and often affects the most vulnerable.
• Forced marriages and child marriages violate the human rights of women and girls, yet they are widely practiced in many countries in Asia, the Middle East and sub-Saharan Africa.
• Worldwide, up to one in five women and one in 10 men report experiencing sexual abuse as children. Children subjected to sexual abuse are much more likely to encounter other forms of abuse later in life.
Health effects
Health consequences can result directly from violent acts or from the long-term effects of violence.
• Injuries: Physical and sexual abuse by a partner is closely associated with injuries. Violence by an intimate partner is the leading cause of non-fatal injuries to women in the USA.
• Death: Deaths from violence against women include honour killings (by families for cultural reasons); suicide; female infanticide (murder of infant girls); and maternal death from unsafe abortion.
• Sexual and reproductive health: Violence against women is associated with sexually transmitted infections such as HIV/AIDS, unintended pregnancies, gynaecological problems, induced abortions, and adverse pregnancy outcomes, including miscarriage, low birth weight and fetal death.
• Risky behaviours: Sexual abuse as a child is associated with higher rates of sexual risk-taking (such as first sex at an early age, multiple partners and unprotected sex), substance use, and additional victimization. Each of these behaviours increases risks of health problems.
• Mental health: Violence and abuse increase risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, sleep difficulties, eating disorders and emotional distress.
• Physical health: Abuse can result in many health problems, including headaches, back pain, abdominal pain, fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal disorders, limited mobility, and poor overall health.
Social and economic costs
The social and economic costs of violence against women are enormous and have ripple effects throughout society. Women may suffer isolation, inability to work, loss of wages, lack of participation in regular activities, and limited ability to care for themselves and their children.
Who is at risk?
Though risk factors vary, some characteristics seem to increase the likelihood of violence. The potential risk factors can be grouped into the following subsets.
• Individual: Personal attributes associated with higher risk of violence include: limited education, a young age, lower socio-economic status, limited education, a history of abuse and substance use, and, for partner violence, the choice of partner. Partner traits that put women at risk include alcohol or drug use, low educational level, negative attitudes about women, and witnessing domestic violence against women or being abused as a child.
• Family and relationship: Within families, risk of violence increases with marital conflicts, male dominance, economic stress and poor family functioning.
• Community: Within communities, the risk is higher where there is gender inequality, and a lack of community cohesion or resources.
• Societal: On a broader level, higher risk is found in societies with traditional gender norms or a lack of autonomy for women, and where there are restrictive laws on divorce and ownership and inheritance of property, or when there is social breakdown due to conflicts or disasters.

This is true just not for male/female but it also runs rampant in the gay and lesbian communities of the world also. It is also just as prevalent in the gay and lesbian community. Did you know:
Fact: Domestic violence occurs in approximately 25-33% of same-sex relationships. 3(NYC Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project, October 1996.)2 - http://www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html#links
According the Website: aardvark.org - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection – Here are indicators of abuse:
Using Emotional Abuse
• Putting you down
• Making you feel bad about yourself
• Calling you names
• Implying that you are crazy
• Playing mind games
• Using guilt as a weapon of control
• Using humiliation
Using Privilege
• Treating you like a servant
• Making all decisions for the family or couple
• Acting like an owner or master
• Being the one to define and enforce roles
• Expecting you to obey like a child
Using Coercion and Threats
• Making or carrying out threats
• Threatening to leave
• Threating to harm themself if you leave
• Threatening to hurt other family members or pets if you leave
• Threatening to report you to police, child welfare, etc. to control you
• Threatening to file false charges against you
• Using threats to get you to drop charges
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using Intimidation
• Making you afraid - looks, gestures, actions
• Smashing things
• Abusing pets
• Displaying weapons
• Threatening to expose a secret
Using the Children
• Using the children to relay messages
• Using visitation to harass you
• Threatening to take the children
• Threatening to harm the children
Using Isolation
• Controlling what you do
• Controlling who you see or talk to
• Limiting your outside involvement
• Not letting you work
• Not letting you receive an education
• Using jealousy to justify actions against you
• Destroying your support system
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Making light of the abuse
• Saying abusive behavior was not abusive
• Shifting the responsibility for the behavior to you

There is no excuse for these things. NONE whatsoever. No matter who doesn’t and I don’t care who does it, let me tell you it’s wrong. There are cases of pastors, religious clergy, kings, businessmen, politicians and even people in law enforcement doing this and no matter who they are it is unexcuseable. What you find is a person of extreme low self esteem. You see this is born out of fear and the need to control which is a lack of security within them. There have been known cases where people have been murdered at the hands of an abusing partner. Our lives are our properties and no matter who they are no one has the right to take them.

Getting out, getting help and starting new:
Many of these “abusers” use false psychology on their partners in fear of their partners leaving. As we say from the list above, batters try all sorts of things to try to keep themselves in control when they have no control whatsoever. The question is why does one stay in this situation. Many of these perpetrators try to destroy support systems, relationships and more. We must recognize their ploys and create a way out for ourselves and others. No matter what, there is always a way out. None of us have to stay in that situation ever.
How do you know if you are being abused or wanting to know if someone is being abused: Here are some signs: www.ardvark.org –
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
Is Someone You Know Being Abused?
Look for the signs:
Injuries and Excuses:
In some cases, bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. When this happens, the intent of the batterer is to keep the victim isolated and trapped at home. When black eyes and other bruising is a result of domestic violence, the person being battered may be forced to call in sick to work, or face the embarrassment and excuses of how the injuries occurred. When there are frequent injuries seen by others, the victim may talk about being clumsy, or have elaborate stories of how the injuries occurred. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries may be inflicted in places where the injuries won't show. This too is a tactic used by an abuser to keep a victim from reaching out or from having the violence exposed.
Absences from Work or School:
When severe beatings or other trauma related to violence occurs, the victim may take time off from their normal schedule. If you see this happening, or the person is frequently late, this could be a sign of something (such as relationship violence) occurring.
Low Self-Esteem:
Some victims have low self-esteem, while others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in other areas of their life (at work, as a parent, with hobbies, etc.) but not within their relationship. In terms of dealing with the relationship, a sense of powerlessness may exist. A victim may believe that they could not make it on their own or that they are somehow better off with the abuser as part of their life.

Personality Changes:
People may notice that a very outgoing person, for instance, becoming quiet and shy around their partner over time. This happens because the one being battered "walks on egg shells" when in the presence of the one who is abusive. Accusations (of flirting, talking too loudly, or telling the wrong story to someone) have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the batterer than to experience additional accusations in the future.
Fear of Conflict:
As a result of being battered, some victims may generalize the experience of powerlessness with other relationships. Conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives, and neighbors can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing. Victims may also exhibit overly-friendly behavior, particularly to those that they perceive as being in a position of power ... like the abuser's inlaws, a boss or a supervisor at work, or even to advocates if a victim is seeking help from a domestic violence program. This can manifest as everything from sending cards to only very casual acquaintences to making dinner or providing over-indulgent attention.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior:
For adults or children who have experienced violence from a loved one, the ability to identify feelings and wants, and to express them, may not exist. This could result in passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than telling others what they want, they say one thing but then express anger or frustration in an aggressive manner (such as burning dinner, or not completing a report on time for their boss).
Self-blame:
You may notice someone taking all of the blame for things that go wrong. A co-worker may share a story about something that happened at home and then take all of the blame for whatever occurred. If you notice this happening a lot, it may be a sign that this person is being experiencing emotional abuse. Keep in mind that in an emotionally abusive relationship, abusers often excel at constantly "reminding" the victim that THEY are to blame for whatever has been happening. Once internalized, this can poison one's ability to see through an abuser's lies.
Isolation and Control:
In general, adults who are abused physically are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their lives to a great extent as well as verbally degrade them. This isolation is intended to make the abuser the center of the victim's universe, as well as to purposefully limit the victim's access to others who might attempt to help the victim escape. You might notice that someone: has limited access to the telephone, frequently makes excuses as to why they can't see you or they insist that their partner has to come along, doesn't seem to be able to make decisions about spending money, isn't allowed to drive, go to school or get a job; or has a noteable change in self-esteem which might include inability to make eye contact or looking away or at the ground when talking.
Stress-Related Problems:
These often manifest as poor sleep, sleeping at strange times (also a sign of depression), experiencing non-specific aches or pains that are either constant and/or recurring, stomach problems, chronic headaches, and flare up of problems made worse by stress such as excema.

The truth is there is help. There is always a way out. Friends, co workers and law enforcement and other agencies to get help from. What can we do practically? Here are things you can do:
1. Tell Someone. Let them know how you feel and let them know what you are going through. You are not alone and there is someone you can turn to. Whether it is a church, law agency or whatever, you can get help from someone. Build your support system and keep it. Don’t’ allow someone to think they are the center of your universe, because they are not. You are.
2. Have a private bank account. If you share your bank account, start you own and put your own money in there. Make sure you save enough for yourself and have for emergencies. This is important as you will need money when you leave your abuser. They will try to get to you. Have your own money, make sure you have your have your own money and not depending on them to give you any. Contrary to popular belief they do not have control of your money. Not ever.
3. Find a safe place. Whether you have to rent a place or have to find a safe place, get there so you have a place to escape. Be careful who you tell where you are going and why. Not everyone understands.
3. K now the bullshit. He doesn’t love you, know this. And stick to your plan.
4. Protect yourself. After you have left, go and get a court order to keep him/her away from you. Make sure you document everything that they do from the phone calls, to the visits and more.
5. Find a support group. You are not alone. After you have made your plan, protection kit and have left, find people that have been in your same situation and move forward. Don’t let anyone stop you.
6. Live your life. Take care of yourself, dont' allow them to do it. You don’t have to live the shadow of abuse. No matter what anyone says, you have to take care of you. The universe wants you to be happy, healthy and whole

Sex and Intimacy

Let’s talk more about intimacy and sex. These are important concepts in our relationships . Very important no matter the level of relationship or who they are with. Often times, in relationship , especially in our Ameriacn Society sex is often viewed as intimacy and used as a way of self gratification. People go out to bars, cruise online, cruise the streets, make advances at work all for the sake of having sex and finding intimacy. However, that’s not always the right way.
In building relationships intimacy is vital.

This is especially so if you are dating someone with intention of a long relationship. Intimacy is looking into oneself to find out about ones self. Most important intimacy is sharing ones’ self as we have started before. With this in mind, let’s take it one step more.

Often times, our expression of intimacy is through sex, sexual contact or touch or feelings. In our minds this is how we know to express ourselves when we want to find intimacy. Men, and you know this is true tend to relate sex to intimacy. Women, often times look for an emotional connection. No matter what the mindset, our desire is still to the same to find a deep meaningful relationship that we can share our lives and ourselves.

When our hearts and our minds fully understand this, intimacy and sex take on a new meaning in life. It begins to unfold in ways that we never learned or understood. Into of trying to get intimacy and seeking out partners for this, we find that intimacy is seeking us. And with our partners, we begin to see more of them and their wonderful qualities and how we can please them more. As this intimacy grows, so does our passion and sexual prowess.

Please understand that this is important. As we continue to build intimacy with ourselves sand our significant others the expression of that intimacy results in more than just your average time in the bedroom. As we make time for our partners for dinner, or calling them during the day to see how they are doing, we are building intimacy. We are creating and communicating that they are valued and appreciated.

In this way, our love and intimacy deepens between us. When we listen to our partners attentive and hearing their issues without reservation and judgment then we are creating a deep sense of intimacy. When we are affirming our partners good qualities and affirming who they are, we are creating intimacy. It is this intimacy that fuels the passion of sex and takes it to a new level.

No longer are we looking at our partners as a way of gratifying ourselves, but we are seeing them for who they are. They are seen as the most valueable and precious part of our lives. We begin to understand that our acts of sexual is actually moved into the term of making love, meaning that we are expressing our inner most selves with our partners. This expression leads to a deeper connection that will transcend words or thoughts. It become an unspoken dept of love we cannot even begin to understand. We start to become one.

As we are becoming one we begin to care more deeply about of our partners needs. Not just he needs for sex and physical, but the spiritual and emotional needs. This undersanding also brings to the table of serving our partners and we understand that as we discuss issues of sex and intimacy, that our bodies become no longer our own, but we also our partners. Our minds and spirits seem to be acting as one.
In this way we have built a relationship that will stand the test of time. This relationship will flourish and grow during our times of adversity and challenges. Our marriages will have a strong foundation strength and our families that come out of this will be brought into a loving environment. Also, even if it doesn’t go into marriage, we have built a lasting relationship one that no matter what happens we know one another. We enjoy one another, appreciate the good points over the bad and want the best for our partners.

So sex is important. It is important to talk about. However it should not be the basis of the relationship, but the expression of the intimacy that has been built around it. It is central to any intimate relationship, but must be coupled with a knowledge of pleasing our partner and seeing our partner as they are. We will create a positive, healthy, and supportive relationship that is both balanced and fun. With this understanding, our sex lives will be high energy, passionate, long lasting but extremely satisfying.

Here are some things to think about in all this:

1. Find time to build with your partner. Schedule times to spend especially with them. Regardless of what else is going on, make sure you make time for them and always let them know you are making time for them.

2. Let them know how special they are and how much they are appAffirm them.Appreciate. Create and atmosphere of openness and communication. Let them know when you are having a bad day and just to talk. Hear them out when they need you to. Even though we are self reliant, we need tell them. Tell them you appreciate their minds, their actions, their bodies and the small things that they do. This positive interaction will bring about joy in your marriage/relationship.

3. Say I love you often and mean it. Tell your partner you love them. Mean it. Leave them surprise notes telling them you love them, and be fun about it. Guys don’t be monontonous with the same actions every time, let them know.

4. Shower together. No greater way than to take a shower/bath together and spend time washing each other. This will create sense together and well being of being under the washing of water. Whisper to your partner they are being washed under your love and tenderness.

5. Fix dinner or a picnic. Do something with nature together. Hike, do a picnic - or fix them dinner under the stars. Restaurants are not always the best place, but something simple and more simple can be done to make them feel like a million dollars. Make love under the stars.

6. Celabrate their achievement no matter how small. Always celebrate your partners accomplishments towards their dreams. Every little accomplishment matters. No mater how minute it may be from finishing a paper to celebrating the promotion or degree, celebrate your partners hardwork and effort to achieve their goals. This brings about a renewed self awareness and love them and you.

Understanding Love WHen it Finds You.

You know we live in this world, it is amazng. For many of us we lead fast paced busy lives that seem to encompass all of our days. It is filled with work, activity and more. However, all the while when we are single we are searching for the special someone to fill our lives with. In our goings about every day, we can find it hard and strange to keep moving while in the back of our minds, we are getting older, the clock is ticking and yet is seems like the prospects that we are looking are few and far between.

So for many of us the root and core of our lives is not more money, possession or notoriety, it's relationships. Whether they be of social nature, familial, professional or more, we understand that our relationships are very important. We create everything in our lives, problems, good times and other things, we are responsible for those things coming, and we have to learn to choose the right people for our lives.

You see my firends, our relationships and friendships are meant be healthy, positive, supportive, and easy and with like minded people who we share a strong passion with and deep connection. We don't need to be around toxic individuals who seek nothing but total self benefit without any regards to us, our lives or our feelings. Who are constantly negative, badmouthing us and sending tring to send us destructive thoughts. We need not give focus to these peopl. We should have supportive, loving people who care about us and that we think about often. Sending the ones we love in positive and healthy manner and not always putting our expectations upon them. Thats important.

Those individuals who are bringing us life and peace and giving of themselves are what the universe wants for us. We are not meant to be alone. We are never to meant to be alone, but have long last relationships that are full of substance, character, and love. In this our relationships are ones that are full of intimacy.

Understand that when we reach the level of this intimacy and especially in romantic relationships this is important. Our partners should support, encourage, and help out dreams and we should do the same. It is important to understand that we must begin to see our partnes needs and meet those needs as best we can while maintaining a balance in self. Our inner man knows our desires, Spirit, will send those desires to us and will help us balance ourselves in the right way. Spirit will also keep people away from us that mean us harm. Those people who are not like minded or who invade ourselves, but it is up to us to listen attentively to Spirit.

Although I have been teaching about Spirit and relationships for years, I have just come to understand this more in a deeper way. I had been in a 7 year relationship with a wonderful person, who I adored and our lives came together for a time. However, over the years, it had become evident that we were growing a part. Now I am a person who is free and independent by nature as those around me are. However, in relationship there become a certain path - no expectations, but one partner doesn't need to be doing the work. And this was hard for me for while to believe in my partner, but them, not being aware of it, not reciprocating and blaming me. I finally had to let that relationship go for my own sake.

For so long i had been asking for a new partner and new relationship that was supportive, peaceful, harmonious, drama free, kind, loving, healthy, gentle, positive, and fun. Someone who was independent, like minded, (and since I had been stalked by unwanted person who was constantly trying to cause trouble for me and my health [not pleasant by the any stretch of the imagination-] sane in their mind) - affirming and loving their thoughts towards me. They needed to be a big thinker and social. One of the most important thing is that they had to care for my family and employees as much as I did. So the universe heard me in all aspects, spiritual, physical, emotional and deep relationships for me. So we get what we put in our hearts and what we ask for in our hearts. The universe heard me.

I have never been so encouraged, adored, supported and appreciated. Simple messages and seeing about my welfare has really taught me more about myself. It's been a unique experience one that I cherish and kept close to my heart and mind. Love is shown and not just spoken and I have experienced. When I was in the hospital I found myself in a position of needing others for the first time in a while. It taught me something. I was visited by a dear friend that at the time and since, has been a tremendous healing force in my life in ways that they cannot understand. It has brought a lot of emotional healing to me, something that I needed, but wasn't aware of.


Friends, we have to understand that universe responds to our hearts (Intention) and not always just our minds (which as fleeting thinking) . Thoughts arise out of our hearts and from there life happens. The universe responds to what is going on inside of us and not our eyes or anything else. At the center of us is the subconscious mind that people are looking for and that they see. According to the Energy Bus by Jon Gordon, that our hearts at as the emotional center of being. People can detect heart energy up to 5,000 feet away. So it's stronger than our thoughts.

So when dealing with relationships, know that life happens from us. Our relationships are because of what is giong on in our hearts. Our focus is because of what is going on in our hearts. Our understanding is because of what is going on in our hearts. Integrity is about what is going on in our hearts.

Here ae some practical things:

1. Quiet your mind and hear your heart.....

Questions to ask:
What are you looking for and what are you after?
What kind of things are you wanting in your positive reactions with your life partner, soulmate, husband, or wife?
Are you truly happy with yourself? Are you at peace with you? What are you doing to make yourself peaceful?
How are you treating yourself?

2. Make a list of what you want and be specific and hold htat in your mind. Remember you choose what you want and stick to it. The universe will respond. And the universe will respond in a positive manner.

3. Affirmation. It important that you say this outloud and your intention - To borrow a phrase/affirmation from Marc Allen from his book Visionary Leardership - I am manifesting the life of dreams in a relaxed, easy, positive and healthy manner, this or something better for the good of all involved.

4. Focus on your partners good qualities. See yourself with your partner. See your life together. So what you want and your subconscious mind will do the rest.

5. Focus on yourself. Work on yourself, get in shape, look your best and begin to take care of you. Love yourself and form a good relationship with yourself. This is important. Get to know you. Celebrate your accomplishments and look for love from within. It is loving yourself and discovering the God within you the you find the love to love others. No worries. No restrictions.

6. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Love knows no bounds/genders/sexual orientation. When you find the right partner you know. Dont' be hung up by society's hang ups. They don't apply to you. It's your life, live it. Laws change and die, but you have live here now.

Relationships: The Beginning

This is a book that deals with your personal growth, relationships and spirituality in life. Over the next several chapters, we will be discussing things about the spiritual life that makes up your life, love and expectations especially in the area of relationships. I am convinced that as people in this life we don’t always fully understand the power that we have as a people, a race and ones connected to the source especially when dealing with each other in relationships.

Contrary to popular belief in spiritual circles everyone is connected to the same source. EVERYONE IS. For if you were not connected to the source you would not be walking around able to think, decide, or even feel what you feel every day. You see, inside everyone of us there is something called Spirit – the animator of our very being. Spirit is the essence of life. It makes up our DNA as people who were sent here with purpose to make the impact on the world with our lives. However, many people don’t know this because they do not know themselves. And thereinturn, they cannot know who Spirit is Or THE SOURCE OF ALL is..

In other words to know oneself is to know the source. If you have the understanding of who you and getting to know who you are, what you want, and where you are going then you are connected to the source. The problem with our society is that everyone is out to “fit the mold” of what they think people want. This mindset lacks the understanding of the Spirit within. For when you understanding things about your life and see them the way you want them to be, you have discovered one of the most important secrets of life: the law of attraction.

Many people don’t understanding this or realize that they do this on a daily basis. You see inside of you lies Spirit. The very substance of creation. This is what societies are often changed by. Whether good or bad, it is true.   World cutting ideas, theories, and changes often times just come from people who are in tune with what’s inside of them. Let me give you some every day examples about this.

One of the most famous examples of our day is Bill gates. He has single handedly revoluationized the way the world runs, the method which it does and has increased the economic status of millions of people and why? Because he has acted from Spirit. It is from this same source where men and women through out the ages have derived ideas to cure diseases, changed their personal economic status and change the course of wars. Thus each one has left a legacy. The question is what’s the difference between them and you? The answer is nothing, nothing at all.

You have access to this same source. You have the power to change. For many people there is a lack of understanding of this. Knowledge of you is so important. Knowing your passion in life can help bring an immense change to you. Knowing what you want out of life and relationships is the key to living the life. Herein lies the law of attraction. Being in a place to hear Spirit and the desires of your heart is important. Turning out the noise of the world about what you should do, be, or have is a necessity.

Far too many of us have tried to put on the coat of opinions of people. These opinions often conflict with our own desires and often times can leave us confused, bruised and directionless. Our hearts tell us one thing, but many people feel that they need to put their “two cents” into our lives. This should not be.

Having a relationship with yourself is first and primary. Herein lies another mystery: People who focus on themselves are not selfish people. The understanding the law of attraction in their thoughts because they have gotten to know themselves in this process. They have the understanding of the power lies. Whatever the mind is focused on that is what is attracted to them. That’s why u see people constantly in situations of debt, frustration, bad relationships, and other things because they put themselves there. They focused on the situation to the point they brought it to pass.

Yes, believe it or not this is true. Good or bad, you are where you are because of your thought life. What does this have to do with spirit and the law of attraction? Everything. The world contrary is not run by money, but words. Words in turn are what made up by the thought of men. Thus making them things or using a scientific term it makes them matter because they take up space - air. Let me give you an understanding of this process.

You see you conceive something in your mind. You then begin to visualize it – most of the time automatically no matter what it is. And many times people find the situations happening that they thought about or saw in their mind. Why? The spirit within carried them out. So with this understanding embrace why its important to keep your mind on things that positive and where you want to go, because you are truly the creator of your path.

Due to the lack of knowledge of this, many people have given this power away to others. Always asking people’s opinions about things, seeking advice, or simply not knowing themselves or realizing that all of the answers lie within. Yes, whatever the situation in your life is, you are responsible for it. There is no one else to blame. So let me help you get out of your situation: turn your mindset around.

Whatever you think about in your mind you are attracting to yourself through your spirit. Your situations are not you, so don’t internalize them. Challenges happen, it’s you who decide if they become problems. Think thoughts that are satisfying and where you want to be. I am reminded of something the bible says, Jesus instructed his disciples to “Pray without ceasing” – and why? Because it got them to put their mind upon the Source, the goodness of all the universe.

There is nothing but goodness in this life for you. Meditating on this and not what the world says is so important. Don’t pay attention to statistics – many times they are a bunch of made up numbers to influence the way people think, feel, and act. Your mind should always be in a place of peace, love and kindness attributes of the spirit within. Whatever your mind is focused on is what you manifest. Those who are secure and calm in themselves often see it manifested around them. Conversely, those who feel they don’t have security or don’t have control of things, often time find themselves in situations that are the same way.

So let me sum this up in a nutshell - YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER IN YOU, DON’T GIVE IT AWAY. Remember, it is you who decides where you want to go, be or have. And the secret as well as beauty of this is that there is more than enough for everyone to have. The next time we will discuss the mystery of the motivation of life: LOVE.

Here are some practical steps to understanding Spirit within:

1.Know yourself – The greatest source of poverty is lack of understanding one’s self and desires. From this lack of knowledge derives fear, nervousness, and other sources of mental anguish/disease. Coming to an understanding of what you want and what you desire will breed calmness, a sound mind and prevent any conflicts.

2.Spend time in silence. Tune out people. Take some time (I would recommend in the morning) and meditate on what you want for the day or in your life. Take sometime to learn about yourself and meditate on your good qualities. Other people will see it in you. Cleanse yourself of the voice of others.

3.Feel free.

4.Focus on what you want and not what you don’t want. Most people focus on things that they don’t want to happen thus bringing things into being. However, you must know what you don’t’ want to know what you do want.

5.Take responsibility for your life. You are soley responsible for you own decisions and cannot lay the blame on others.

6.Let it go and live life. Knowing that what you want and expect is coming to you now.



RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS 
Relationships are obviously important in the lives of humans. From the beginning of our lives as children, we seek relationships. We’re built for them. 
 
Our primary relationship should be with knowing ourselves. Yet often, we turn first to others to complete our lives. We do need other relationships, but many relationships fall apart at the seams because people are unhappy, frustrated and trying to find completion in human relationships rather than in ourselves first. 
 
In looking at our motivations for seeking out human relationships, many of us enter into romantic relationships in particular trying to discover what we want out of life and looking to “find ourselves.” This happens especially during times of confusion or insecurity, leaving us in precarious positions at times, grasping at whatever relationship comes along and settling for something because we feel like we may never get what we truly want.  
I’ve even found that sometimes we stay in unhappy relationships, putting up with strife and junk, just for the sake of not being alone. Why do we find ourselves in these relationships, putting up with arguments and mistrust? Weendure with verbal and emotional blows from one another, and yet try to hold on tothe very one we have hurt. 
 
Life intended for our relationships, romantic or other, to be experiences that are beneficial and long lasting. Ideally, our relationships will continually build upon previous experiences, which should cause us to continually go deeper with one another. But far too often, we find that our relationships fail, and for many of us, that has happened more times than we’d like to count or discuss.  
We begin to feel like the relationship we hope for will never work out for us. As we enter into relationships, we find ourselves apprehensive with expectations that the same things that happened to us in previous relationships will happen again. This poses a problem: Our expectations of what will happen to us become self-fulfilling prophecies. Even if we don’t like to admit it, our thinking often tends to default to the negative, and we worry that the worst has yet to happen. 
 
In my experience, wrong expectations in a relationship cause the most problems when they’re not communicated. Being in a relationship for three years, I found myself constantly frustrated at my significant other. We frequently ended up in arguments that left me upset and very emotional. Often times, I felt that I no longer needed the relationship, but kept running back to it time and again. This continual cycle wore on me and didn’t benefit me at all. Two years into it, after being on and off in the relationship, I discovered the reasons why things happened the way they did.  
After some time of being away from the relationship, I discovered that I had unmet expectations, which had done more than cause a rift—they had caused a perception problem. This perception problem caused trust issues that escalated to much more than at times could be tolerated. As the problems escalated, there was more friction. As friction increased, more problems arose. As problems arose, being able to not forgive and bitterness took root inside me.  
 
I had never communicated my expectations in the relationship or dealt with them on a personal level, and because of that, there was not only an unbearable breach in my relationship with my partner, but my relationship with Spirit was hampered as well. My relationships with other people were even hampered because I was not honest with myself and hadan unforgiving heart. 
I had to come to grips with two vital steps I needed to take: forgiveness and dealing with the very expectations that I had. What was I expecting to be done that wasn’t being done? How had this caused a problem? How did I expect to be treated? Was I being treated this way? How was I supposed to be treated? Did my significant other know? Where did I get these notions from, and why were they important? Moreover, why were my expectations not communicated? Most of all, why were all the expectations on my Boyfriend instead of on the Spirit? 
 
Relationships are two-way streets, so one partner is not always to blame, but both partners can always bring issues to resolution if they are willing and ready to work things out. My expectations in my relationship did not belong on my partner. The heavens and only one in the universe is able to fulfill all of my expectations. In my heart, I had to consider assumptions and perceptions that had been built because of what I had perceived as a failure to fulfill a need.  
I had to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Also, I had to make amends with my significant other for the things that I had said. Surprisingly, it was freeing, and the strife I felt inside could have been taken care of long ago if only I had realized the darkness of my own heart.  
 
So if we find ourselves in conflict-ridden relationships and we’re tired of fighting, let’s ask ourselves why? If our expectations are not being fulfilled by those we share our lives with, then we need to understand this: Our expectations need to be on the Spirit. He is the only person who can fulfill our need. Our partners may not always understand our hearts, but Spirit does. Understanding this will stop strife and disappointment. It’s out of a love for Spirit, our overflow, that we are even able to love people without judgment, disappointment, expectation or pain. We look to Spirit for our identity.  
 
Our primary focus and relationship is with Spirit. We look to Spirit for our purpose. We look to Spirit for our fulfillment. It’s so vital that we don’t have unrealistic and unspoken expectations on our partners, because they won’t be able to always fulfill them or make us happy.  
We can live in peace because we realize we don’t have to always prove our point. We can choose to forgive and live lives pleasing to Spirit, the way we were intended for us to live. This will show the world that relationships are not irreparable, and breakups and divorce don’t have to be the answer, especially when Spirit is the main factor involved.


Different Kinds of Relationships 
Even though we do find the  “right” people to associate with, it also important that we take inventory of our understanding in these relationships.  Now before I go any further, let’s discuss what type of relationships that we have in our lives:   
social/plutonic - which consists of friends, associates, and acquaintances at times these relationships can cross into the realm of family because our ties and experiences draw us close to one another.   
familial – these are family relationships – ones that we didn’t get a chance at choosing, but ones that we become most family; Composed of family – mother, fathers, children, aunts, etc.  The only time this changes is when we choose our mates for life.   
Romantic Relationships – many times associated with simply a sexual act, these are relationships that often lead to familial developments, whether planned or unplanned.  These relationships begin between two people and often times find their way into marriage – forging new ties or even factions by coming together as one.  These are essential for the continuity and survival or any society.
Now we have discussed in some detail about two of these types of relationships – Romantic and social relationships – which are essential to our make up as people and our well being – familial relationships – well – that’s another book .  In any case, I wanted to touch on some points that are essential for the integrity  of these relationships.   
No matter at what level of relationship you may be, some of the same type of issues can still occur.  issues of miscommunication or no communication, unforgiveness, disloyalty and maliciousness can plague your relationship and cause it to “irreparable” – a term that is simply, in my mind, means that we didn’t want to try any more.   
Let us understand this simple point:  That our relationships, no matter at what level are more valuable than gold.  All the money in the world cannot buy you the depth, loyalty, respect nor the love that comes from the value of relationships.  You see, we have discussed the spiritual laws.  They first deal with us, then we deal with our environment.   
There is a proverb in Christian text that says – Love thy neighbor as you love yourself.  It’s also known as the ‘Golden Rule.’  Now to give you a clear picture, let me define neighbor:  anyone who is in proximity to you outside of yourself or being.  In other words, that means everyone else. 
Whether your relationships fall into one o f these categories:  familiar, social, or Romantic – the people involved are still your neighbors. So we must learn to love ourselves first so that we are able to treat our neighbors right.  Hence, my personal problem with irreparable relationships:  if you are treating your neighbor as yourself, since when is a relationship to yourself bad? 
Now don’t get me wrong.  Not every one of your relationships are that golden.  Even when we apply this concept to our lives, there can still be situations where the other party or parties are not treating us right.  In that case it is not your problem.  They are responsible for their own behavior, opinions and actions. 
However, you don’t have take bad or ill treatment either.  In a spirit of love and peace it’s ok to terminate the relationship and move on.  Life doesn’t want people in your life to weigh you down and be allowed to destroy you.   So it’s ok to walk away.  Just do it in a manner of love and peace.  
Let me give you an example from my own life.  Now, I am a very outgoing and inviting person.  So needless to say that I have a lot of people in my life that I consider as friends.  Well, I don’t like negativity and I don’t like people who are that way.  My pet peeve is controlling individuals who find it necessary to control their environment.  I have had such run ins and I have to say, that they did not end up as good situations.   
Nevertheless, one such relationship was a guy I had doing while eating dinner one night.  He had lost his palm pilot and I had gone into the bathroom and found it. Well, I have to admit, and I am not going to lie, there was a temptation to take it (you know you have been there too), but the reason and wisdom rose up in me and said to turn it in to the management.  [I am reminded how I have been lost without my palm] 
Well, as I did, this guy came strutting back in looking forward.  Grateful, he thanked and handed me some money and that started our relationship as friends.  It was an interesting start.  Almost from the beginning it seemed as though there were some issues.  I sensed judgment from him.  Negativity.  It was like I couldn’t think straight.  It was awful. 
Finally one day after spending the day in Baltimore – I got fed up and said enough and told him we could not hang out. 
He became angry and hurt by this, but that was his choice  
to be.  However, it was better to sacrifice that relationship for a moment for peace.   
Although he grew angry – I had to think about my emotional well-being.  It was tricky waters.   
This situation can even happen with family members who try to pull and tug on you or even dig at you emotionally with their words.  They do this and then you feel manipulated by them because they are crying out for help from their hurt, but instead they hurt others because they don’t know how.  In any situation, remember you must maintain all the integrity of yourself first.  That’s essential.   
Looking more deeply, there are those relationships that we know are golden and we do everything to keep them.  These are friends that we have had since kindergarten or pre-school; trusted college buddies; co-workers who went the extra mile; or just simply good family members that supports us no matter what.  
In recognizing these relationships, we often do our best to make sure that these survive and thrive.  However, even in our best moments things happen.  Miscommunication.  Conflicts. 
Distractions, they all develop and can have a devastating effect on the foundation that we have built.   
When these conflicts arise its important to remember it’s about your reaction and not the situation.  Your reaction can help to preserve the relationship or throw it into further disarray.  What do I mean by this?  You choose what your offense will be. 
  
Offense is a choice.   Love is also.  What will you choose today?
  
What are you offended by?  Why does it bother you?  Do you realize that you have to choose to be offended and to let thingbother you.  So many times, we have allowed as people little things to creep up between us and a trusted friend or colleague only to discover later that there was really nothing wrong in the first place.  This is called perception.  We have to choose our offense.  Remember what your mother said:  you have to pick and choose your battles.  
The same thing applies here.  Pick and choose with wisdom.  People will say offensive things.  They will do offensive and bothersome things.  However, to you they might not seem that way, but you must recognize this.  Be grounded and be thick-skinned.  Don’t let life’s little distractions bother you.  Honestly. 
Do you realize something?  That small things typically take out things much larger than them or much more fierce than them.  Think about the dolphins – they are the most gentle creatures of the sea, yet they can kill one of the most fierce predator:  the shark.  Or take elephants in their grand stature their fear:  mice. Just because these animals allowthe little things to take them out doesn’t mean you have to also. 
So be careful and don’t allow the small things in life or as my partner says “the distractions” trip you up.  It’s not worth it.  Choose to have good relationships.  Find understanding whatever is one.  Here is one important thing:  communicate.  Yes, that’s right communicate.   
That’s one of the most significant things you can do and the most vital to the survival of your relationship.  Telepathy or the reading of minds is not always an option, although some of us are getting there.  So we must open our mouths and say something.   
Let our thoughts be known.  What are you thinking?   What is bothering you?   
I often times find myself chuckling at that phrase when men ask their women what’s wrong honey?  And then she answers nothing.  You know you have seen the routine.  He does this three more times and then he stops asking.  She however, takes offense and get’s angry and says, “ You don’t care!”  When all of the time he does, and expressed it.   
Though this is a funny anecdote there are some serious things ladened within it.  He tried to communicate with her.  She didn’t know how to respond and misperceived the cue.  That was essential.  This can be a problem and often times will lead to further problems and issues.   
This leads to the next point, understand your partners communication methods.  I know it’s not always an easy thing, but we all don’t communicate the same way.  You have to be able to understand how your partner communicates and meet them half way.  This works even in the way of friendships find out how your friends communicate and work with them.  
One of the most intriguing things to me that I have often enjoyed in my own life and have enjoyed about the couple/relationships/friendships that worked was the fact of the flow their communication.  Many times, these couples just did things in rhythm.  They supported one another.  Spoke in slated conversations, speaking only one or two words, but communicating volumes.  
These couples/relationships also seemed to have fluidity to them.  These couples tended to know one another significantly to the point that they would know what to order for one another, exact Christmas presents or even when to call one another.  Their communication was so deep that they knew when situations were gone awry.   
It is what I surmised as learning one another.  Understanding our ways of communication is essential.  These relationships work because the partners chose to work out their communication issues and come together 100% in the middle to understand one another’s methods.  
Here is also some understanding:  when conflicts arise, don’t be scared.  The deeper the relationship is going, the more conflicts arise because two are becoming one and you are beginning the journey of true relational being.   The greater the depth, the greater the conflict.  Watch for the signs and take note.  Just because your relationship is hitting rough waters doesn’t mean it’s over.  It means you are reaching a deeper level and need to embrace the love. 
In my own life for example, one of the things I most cherish is my deep relationships with my friends.  There are some, that are so valuable to me that money couldn’t chase them away.  One such relationship is that of my partner Brian.  We met over the Internet (I know what you are thinking, but when you ask, don’t question delivery.)  Well, anyway, we talked a while and I soon discovered something very unique about our conversations.  There were
things that he knew about me that I had never spoken to him about.   
One such conversation happened during the summer, when I first moved to DC.  We talked to one another on the phone and had not done it in a while.  However, while we were talking I remember him describing me.  Now, let me let you in on something:  we had never met in person because he was still in Minnesota.   
He begins to describe the type of clothing that I would wear.  There were deeper things.  Once when I called him in a raging mess – angry – frustrated, he didn’t call me back.  I took this as a sign of him being upset.  When the dust had cooled and I had realized that I had not eaten, when he called again, he patiently said to me, I knew about the condition.  We communicated.  He opened himself up to learning me.  I discovered that I soon had to do the same.  
Now, understand this:  even though I am friendly, and open – inviting to all, I am still relatively a private person.  I relish my privacy.  However, when he began to describe me, it spoke volumes and I knew I had found my partner for life.   
There were other times in other relationships.  When I first entered into business, my friend Tiffany from college decided to partner with me and work along side of me.  We had a unique relationship.   Tiffany is what a person would call a jewel – loyal, honesty, supportive and truthful.  She also doesn’t take any junk off of anyone.  
One day there was a conflict that arose.  She was angry at me about something. I was not in the best of moods that day and while we on our way to lunch in the car – we got into an argument.  Now this was not just any kind of argument.  I did something that I do not ordinarily do:  I yelled.   
In hindsight, it was very comical.  Going back and forth – we argued in front of another friend.  However, we communicated and she got of her feelings out.  I did too.  I also bought her lunch later on.  Realizing this conflict brought us closer together, we both now have thriving businesses and I often call her to tell her about new developments and opportunities that are happening in the area and in contracts.  We are friends for life and there is nothing that can change that. 
So simply put these relationships are about understanding and communicating with your neighbors.  Despite what your neighbors are – spouse, partner in life, associates, co- worker, etc, try your best to understand, treat, and communicate with them like you would want them to communicate to you. 
 

Intimacy. The basis of relatonships. Spirit brings this intimacy to us. So many of us have been searching for intimacy all of these years through various methods. Some of these methods are through addictions, whether sexual, alcholic or more. We are all seeking intimacy? Why? Ourselves seek to be intimate with us. Our spirit wants to know us. Our Spirit sees us as rich and seeks to know us intimacy in other words we need to be people who seek to knw ourselves. What do I mean by this? You are totally whole and secure. Your Spirit is who are you. And the Spirit knows all things. We are totally Spirit.

You see many people are seeking intimacy. They are seeking something from someone else that they can only get in themselves. Intimacy. In-to-me I see. Its a longing that we all have. It's something that we all try to find and many times cannot seem to locate or fill no matter what we do. Intimacy is a strong desire that comes from within. It is ourselves reaching out to us to know and understand us more.

Remember that so many times in our lives we are so busy trying to find and look for oursleves in other people. Seeking that will fulfill our lives. We do this through things like entertainment, drugs, and alcohol and even sex (even though there is nothing wrong with it, when it's really undestood and it's place). We are looking to fill an inward desire with outward things that are manuafactured and seemingly important to us. Now understand that none of these things are wrong within themselves. However, when they are done in a way of harm and in a way of reaching ourselves then we must examine this and correct the problem. And that doesn't come therapy that comes within.

You see the basis of our intimacy begins in love. Love. That is where our heart begins and it begins in loving ourselves. At times, and this goes for both men and women, we are seeking to find love in all sortso f places that average out to be only places of pain and suffering. What do I mean about this? I mean this: that people who are often seeking intimacy have been hurt and have been abused – not always physically or sexually, but often emotionally and verbally. This sort of pain is a cry for help and ourselves always know the answer. It is through Spirit that we can answer this. Since we are spirit then that is what w ecry out for and desire .

You see when we fellowship with spirit we are fellowshipping within ourselves and connecting with ourselves. This is vitally important to understand. To take time to know ourselves and seek out that which we are. There is a proverb and parable that says seek first the kingdom of heaven – and many people who were seeking were seeking to find it outside of themselves – but they were told that the kingdom of heaven is within you. What this means is that it is our link to the kingdom – the ultimate source of heaven – and the ultimate relationship: to the Spiritself. This relationships to the Spiritself is of the utmost importance. It brings us truth, it bring light, it brings us joy.

When we understand this truth, we are no longer filled with the insatiable desire to find “ourselves” outside of our self. WE understand that everything that we need is from within. Because this is the ase we do not need to worry about anything or anyone fulfilling our lives because it is the Spiritself that we begin our intimacy with. As we continue to find and love ourselves we develop stronger intimacy and stronger love for ourselves and those around us. You see friends what is the truth is that people don't know is that to the degree we love ourselves is the degree we can love others.

It is this truth that we seek to connect with others. Our connection with others is through Spirit. And as we continue in our relationship with Spirit and under our spirit, we find that our needs are always met. As we begin to meditate and focus on spirit we find that we become aware of ourselves. This awareness leads to a greater understanding of things that we won't and things we don't want. We begin to know who we are as we begin to know who we are we begin to find out what we are like. We also develop acceptance for ourselves and as we accept ourselves there not always a need to find approval and acceptance in others because we have done it for ourselves. This is essential. Due to the fact that no matter who rejects us it doesn't matter, because we have accepted ourselves. We will not be busy looking for this in other people.

This acceptance of ourselve will also bring about us in a rapport and understanding of who and what we are. This rapport will be seen towards other people and they will feel in in the things that we are doing and how we interaction with them. What kind of person are we to ourselves? Are we understanding and kind to ourselves? Then that is what we are attract to us. Since we are looking for our relationships to be part of our lives and fulfilling us then we must know that as we are compassionate and understanding to ourselves then we will be that to ther people. Then last and final step – is self love. You see this is where it all begins – intimacy begins in self love.

As I have stated before, as we love ourselves is to the degree we will love ourselves. Many of us are trying to find someone to love us when we don't have that love for ourselves. Think about it. Are we loving ourselves? How are you loving yourself? Are you taking yourself out to dinner? Are you spending time with yourself? Are you making a date with yourself? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you communicating with yourself? Think about it. You may think these are very strange questions and very weird, but they are often things you want others to do for you.

Interesting is it.. We are seeking for someone to do for us when we should be doing for ourselves. A lot of times we wonder what is going on and how we are supposed to function in this matter. Contemplate this, when we do these thigns for ourselves someone will come along to do these things for us. We don't have to worry about someone taking care of us because too busy taking care of ourselves and enjoying our lives. We will be just as independent and just as loving to ourselves as they are to us.

Furthermore, we will begin to find as we are communing with the Spirit within us that we are attracting people who are like us. People that share our values. People that share our insights and principals and friction will be less. Yes, that is the key to live at peace with ourselves. Many people don't do that or know about this point. Let me give you an example.

There have been times in my life that things have happened and I could not understand and I mean unexplained things such as relationships gone awry, things in business happening that I couldn't explain and other instances. So my first instinct as it has been since I was five is to go into a state of meditation and listen to my spirit. One morning as I was in this state of meditation, I heard the statement 'I am at peace with me, I am at peace with me.” This just came out of my mouth.

At the time I didn't realize what it meant, but later I got the response. It was concerning rumors and things going on in my business and rumors people had said about me. No matter what they had said, I am a peace with me. No matter what had been said there has never been a problem, because I realized that I am always at peace with me. And as I am living in peace within me I am living in peace with those around me. Yes this is true. Because when we are people of conflict within ourselves we have tremendous conflict with other people.

Our outer relationships are reflection of our inner dialogue and relationship with ourselves and to spirit. Taste this statement and let it soak in. And what am I talking about? It is simple. As we begin to meditate and begin to focus on the things of the Spirit (peace, love and joy are products of the spirit within us) we begin to find ourselves not easily rattled by the statements of the world.

Say this with me. I am a peace with me. I am at peace with me. Feel the difference. Why is this is important? Because often times we are finding ourselves in constant conflict with our friends, significant others and we wonder why. It is simply because we don't have peace within ourselves and we are not attracting people of peace. Find this within ourselves and understand this. You see to borrow a phrase from another speaker and author, Life doesn't happen to us life happens from us.

What do I mean by this. To the degree what is going on in ourselves is what we are bringing into our lives. If we are people of peace, love, and enjoying ourselves this is what we are bringing into our lives and we will find ourselves in relationships whether social or romantic. Think about this. What are you dwelling on and what are you doing? How are you treating your self.

There is also a second part of this that you must understand and it' the law of conversation. In finding our relationships we try to find the right relationships and along the way we are constantly subtaging ourselves. What does this mean? We are constantly saying we are trying to find the right person and while we are “looking” are are saying the counter things in our months. We find our that are words are not lining up with our actions and wonder why we cannot find the right person.
Here is a concept to understand. Keep your mouth shut when trying to find the right person. It doesn't matter what you think or do if you are saying the wrong words. You are looking for the right person and you dno't want to say the wrong thing. It is like you are out on a date and cannot find the right words and find that you put your own words in your months – and your foot to boot. This doesn't have to be the case. You don't want to mess the situation up. You don't want to say the wrong thing. Remember this always. You are trying to attract the right person. So say the right things and always make them positive. This will work. And when you find that right person you will find that this is easy . That the relationshps are easy. Just like money and other things, finding things that are easy. Things are awesomely easy.



































Leading your partner to healing

Let’s face it.  We all have encountered it.   The constant rollercoaster in we have in our relationships.   You know the one’s I am talking about.  We have all been in them.  The relationships where it seems as though we cannot get along, but we cannot live without one another.  We break up and then get back together.  Hoping that each time we enter into this cycle that it will be the last time, but to our chagrin, this is not the case.  And though we try to find an answer, more often than not, we are left with more questions.   
Let’s admit the truth about it.  It hurts, especially when we don’t’ understand how to deal with a problem when there seems to be nothing but constant friction.  I have often been intrigued as a male when I observe relationships that seemingly do, shouldn’t work.  I mean the couple fight and argue, breaking up one hour and within the next get back together.  And this seemingly continues on forever and ever.  People grow tired, but don’t want to quit, they end up bitter but don’t want to end it.  The question then lies in, what is there else to do?  
Friends, it has been my passion to help people understand the issue of relationships.  You see, in our relationships friends, we have been taught whether by environment, influence or circumstance, to react to the words or actions of our partners in our relationships.  This can become a spiraling issue for many of us, a rift that never seems to end, despite all of our good efforts.    
On the surface, our issues with our partners can seem severe, immature, and downright impossible to get through.  I mean, you know tip toeing around certain things, keeping secrets, “avoiding the issue.”  You may ask why is this, because I believe we do not fully understand what’s occurring.  What’s even more frustrating  is all the effort put into to “mending the rifts” with no seemingly visible results.  
For many of us, our past relationships seem to color our present ones.  Due  to this fact we don’t know how to respond  when this happens.  We need to have the understanding of this in our relationships.  If we don’t in essence, this can cause our relationships to become “irreparable.” Past breakups and observations, misinformation about people and things of the past can all have an effect on our relationships future and/or present.   
What am I saying?  I am saying this:  we have to really begin to look past what our partners are saying (behaviors) and into the issue at hand.  Seek to heal our partners.  Another term is help to dispel the myths of negativity and restoring self worth, esteem, and value that they may be lacking or have misconstrued.  For some people, it will take a measure of restoring their confidence in themselves as well as giving value to their opinion.  For others it will simply need to be an assurance that you will be there.    
People, when you take the time to hear and understand your partner’s opinions, complaints and even scathing rebukes, it will make a difference.   The key is not to take everything personally.   That’s right.  Don’t take anything personally.  You see, we all have been given the gift of wisdom, to help people understand our situations.  Although, sometimes we don’t realize it, we can simply stop the cycle by dealing with our partners needs right then and there.  Yes, it is that simple.   
 
During my most recent relationship, we had begun to have some problems.   At first, I found myself wanting to run away from the situation, and break it off in order not to deal with the negativity stemming from each and every moment.  However, inwardly, I knew that wasn’t the best decision.  I had to face it.  We had to get through.  I had to do what a lot of men try to not to do, talk about the situation.    
So I had to face some of the facts and approach the situation.  And I did.  I mean I really did.  I made the decision that no matter what, we would talk this situation out. To my surprise, I discovered, a lot of issues in my own life that I had misinterpreted, but did not know they were there.  The more we talked, the less things seemed irreparable and the more they seemed less and less important.   
After talking for almost two hours, (and this happened on more than one occasion), I realized that two things had happened:  I led my partner to healing and I also dispelled some myths in my own life.  I got a better understanding of my partners needs and insights while at the same time dealing with some of my misconceptions.   What a refreshing moment that was for me.    
So here are some things that we can do in reference to helping our relationships along:   
1.Face the issues.  Don’t run, don’t put off issues either. 
 
  2. Be open:  Let’s listen to our partners.  Hear them.  Be slow to speak, quick to listen.
 
  3. Understanding.  See the situation from their point of view will help you to understand your own.  
 
  
4. Restore.  Let your partner know how much your appreciate them.  Value them and teach them to value themselves.  Restoring self esteem for an individual is one of the most important things that we can do for a person.  Teaching them that their value doesn’t come from outside sources but from within themselves.
 
  
5. Clear the Haze.  Helping your loved one heal past wounds will not only benefit them in this moment, but also in the future, whether you are together in marriage or life.
 
  

Leadership

Leadership Series – Am I a leader?
This month, I am starting my leadership series that will last for a few weeks. Although this is a brief synopsis of the 12 week class (see side bar for information) I still believe that it is significant to the lives of every man and woman today.

The question is Am I leader? I used to ask myself and undoubtedly my answer for that question is yes. Over the years, I have been groomed in various capacities learning the ropes, leading as naturally as it came while picking up and honing those natural abilities.

What I realized in the process is that people’s perceptions of leadership and mine included, were a bit warped. They were misguided sometimes by unscrupulous individuals and through incorrect perceptions. In all fairness, I used to have the idea that leadership meant position – you have authority, running an organization, being looked up and calling the shots, essentially being worshipped. However that is really not the case. Not the case at all.

When I was in college, I had the opportunity to lead on several levels. Some were one on one while others were at the University level, but then I watched as my leadership gained a statewide and international influence. Leadership had turned out to be something else. At the same time, I became disillusioned with the whole concept. I didn’t like living up to rules and regulations – especially those imposed by the rampant group of individuals I found myself associated with. Even though there were “rules” being imposed on me about what a leader was and was trying to be influenced into some kind of mold, my heart told me something different. So I went with it.

I discovered that leadership not really was about the elite or select few. It was much more than that. It wasn’t about rules and regulations. It wasn’t just about positions, it was about being and fellowship with those who resided with.

What was more ennlightening for me was this: even though I had a leadership position, I had never really learned what leadership was all about. I had seen what it was not. I myself had to work through forgiveness on some of issues, however, after clearing those points in my life, I found out the concept of leadership much different. In this discovery, it was made clear: in order to lead others I needed to first lead myself.

That spoke volumes ot me. I must lead myself, but in order to lead myself, I must first know myself. Hmmm. Knowledge of myself. That was essential. Then one morning as I entered into my meditation for the day, this concept of leadership came to mind:

Intimacy, integrity and intelligence, the three essential components of leadership for any arena. Let me just take on briefly the component of intimacy.

Remember when I told you about knowing and leading myself? Well, the intimacy component is one that deals with that very subject. Intimacy is – “a closeness” – in-to-me-[I]-see, hence the term intimate knowledge. One of the first components in intimacy of leadership is the knowing of oneself.

So often times, people jump, leap or find themselves in positions of leadership without a very sound balance or strong grounding. Without this strong grounding many people falter under pressure, fall into corruption or simply become a figure head in whatever capacity they are in. We see this all over the place. Enron. Congress. Churches. One who is grounded with knowledge and self awareness will be an effective leader. Let me explain this simply: You will treat others like you want to be treated. It is the golden role.

Leaders are not to be worship. They are not idols. Leaders are simply men and women who help to facilitate and empower others into becoming all who they already are. In other words, people when empowered and aware can and will lead themselves.

Everyone’s a leader, let’s get that straight. There are various degree of leadership and abilities. However when you realize that you are a leader and know yourself, dislikes, what you can take and know when to say when, then you are sharpened and seasoned. Seasoned leaders understand this. Communication, expression and reflection for yourself helping you to build and acqure knowledge, leading you to build rapport, having compassionan and love yourself will help you to be and do that towards other people.

You see let me break it down another way. Leaders treat others as they want to be treated. People who are angry at themselves tend to be angry at others. People who are hard on themselves are hard on others. People who don’t trust themselves, don’t often times trust others. That’s where intimacy begins. Knowing you. It’s all a reflection of you.

As you begin and continue to know you, you gain knowledge. Gaining knowledge helps you to understand. Understanding helps you to apply and application of knowledge is called wisdom. This wisdom is more precious than anything else in the universe. Wisdom can unlock doors, and speak to situations that money could never quiet.

Also intimacy coupled with wisdom will bring about a return for respect of your people. When you understand yourself, you begin to realize what others are going through. You treat them differently. So many leaders are harsh on people because they don’t effectively do what they need to: dig ditches and know themselves.

Digging a ditch? That means being getting into the trenches, understanding where people are coming from. The only way to do is to know where you came from yourself and to know where others are going. Intimacy.

Leaders should seek to empower. See where people are. One thing I learned was the fact that people can react negatively, not always to be spiteful, or to cause friction, but they often times feel out of place. Having and developing intimacy wil help leaders to help others in finding their way and their lives.

My challenge to you leaders is to first know yourselves and develop a strong outlook for you. Know your likes and dislikes. Know your limits and recognize when and where to let go control. As you do that you will seek to understand where your people are coming from. If they have your respect, there is no problem gaining theirs. Trust me.

Relationships adn Expectation

We are all after one thing in life and that is relationships. Whether they are good or bad, our desire is to have people in our lives that love us and take care of us. No matter who they are or where they come from, Love is the most opportune thing that they are after and that's all it boils down to.

We discover this when talking and focusing on sex. Men such for intimacy and seek it through Physical means; women seek love through proximity. It's a amazing for both. Men can't always communicate that they want love. Women are more vocal about and it's because our society has taught men to be stringent and closed in with their feelings. This should not be. We need to say how we feel and then deal with it.